It's amazing how one can develop attachment to things and more so for humans. Every since the last time I fell in love (the doc is probably the last guy I really did like in that special way), every other guy that grew close to me were just a form of attachment. Hours spent on whatsapping each other built a resistant relationship. A relationship that was painful upon breaking, not because I really liked him as he is, but because there was no one there for me to message and share the events in my life anymore. A relationship that churned up anger in me, not because I was lied to or being unfair to, but because I don't understand why they don't last or develop in the same way as how others have theirs. The only reason I can think of would probably be that I'm no longer the same as I was a few years back, that I have matured and seen much which instead have caused me to close up any emotional doors to the outside. Afraid of being lied to, hating promises that are never fulfilled, scared of being one-sided, shunning the thought of making the wrong choices, relying too much on rationality. The phrase 'I think. Therefore I'm single', resonates all too well with me.
Do you believe in platonic relationships? I do, because most of the time, my relationships take a turn into the friend zone and never to turn back.
I always surprise myself how well I can get along with some guys. It's beyond friends, beyond brothers, even beyond me and my best girl friends. We know exactly what each other is doing at the exact point of the day, what each thinks about everything in the world, what we are bothered about. We run together, dinner together, watch movies together, shop together. If it's mutual, then there isn't a doubt the best combination ever. But I have this one exception that I can never come clear about.
You call when you end exams, you call when you are bored driving, you call just before you fly to France. You whatsapp almost everyday, you whatsapp about your problems, you whatsapp about what you are doing. You tell about your past, you tell about your present, you tell about your future plans. You bare your true self and thoughts. You pick me up from work when you are going home from school (Ok, that was once only). You drop a message on 12/12/12, 12:12 to tell me how blessed you are to have me as a friend. It feels like there's an missing part of me now that you are in France, hoping that you will come back soon. But yet I don't miss you the way I did when the doc went to US. In fact, I don't know what I'm feeling and I don't seem to bother to try to understand. It's just a very weird relationship. We don't meet up, not sure if you are really that busy or I've just missed your free slots. You tell me about every single detail of your past relationship and how you find a mutual friend of ours cute. Yet you violently disagreed when I jokingly say you should friendzone me since I'm the same horoscope as your ex.
Maybe I'm caught in the friendzone web once again. Just trying to deny that highly possible fact. Maybe I'm just lying to myself once again. Because anyway, the last time things were mutual, it didn't end well. In fact, nothing ever started.
Still making the conscious effort to remind myself that I.Must.Believe.That.God.Has.Something.Special.In.Store.For.Me.This.Christmas.
Or perhaps, in the near future.
♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road
my own dusty road
