Less work to do means more time for mind to wander, which is bad for the heart and soul. Have been thinking about the past too much lately. Coming up with the same conclusions over and over again and never solutions to my many regrets. On top of that, I thought that taking two years to forget someone would be the stupidest time-waster ever in my life, until I realised recently that it taught me a truckload. Made me both a stronger and weaker person at the same time. For one, I strengthened my own healing ability. But on the other hand, increased my apathy for others. Because I’ve been there done that, it makes me more vulnerable to feeling the pain that others would feel.

And now, I’m wrecking myself over others. It’s common for one to hurt when one’s heart is broken. But who has ever heard of one hurting when one breaks another’s heart? And purely from the standpoint of a friend. I really think I love my friends too damn much.

I miss those times that everything was purely fun. We didn’t need to care about people problems. Being around each other was simply to have fun. Mugging together, laughing like crazy in a whole bunch, going for dinner only when we were fainting from hunger, doing retarded things and *er-hem* helping them check out girls (seriously.... >.<). But those times have come to pass, separated by graduation and other *er-hem* stuff. I don’t think I can ever get back that scene, those moments. People always encourage one to look forward and not back in the past, but what I want is to create future similar to that of the past, just only with more fun and laughter. But I guess I can’t get that anymore, not with the current situation.

On a side thought, it seems that I’ve given so much love and concern to my friends, it seems that I’ve got none to spare for any special people anymore. Oh wells. I think I’m contented with life like that. Send my ‘FYP’ to the rubbish bin.

I realised I don’t have many close girlfriends in uni to share my problems and have in-depth bitching sessions with. It’s essential to have different groups of close friends because of the different environments one is in. My other groups of sisters wouldn’t be able to understand fully what is happening on the other side. Ironically and thankfully, I have a bunch of guys for me to HTHT with. And I’m utmost-ly grateful for that. Perhaps that is the greatest thing in my whole uni life. It is just so heartwarming that I can talk about almost anything to them, stupid things, serious things. They all give me a very nice and happy brotherly feel (I know that phrase sounds very funny).

You won’t know what does ‘alone’ mean if you are not a single child. On top of that, I was never close to my relatives and cousins (which most single children are). So besides parents, friends are the only other that I have. [To you my dear friend who thinks you’re miserable, you have people who will walk with you to the end of your road. I may not have. So stop wallowing in self-pity and move on] Although I grew up with the mentality that relying on myself is better than on others regardless of friends or family, we are all still social animals (quote quote!).

Its just like how my coursemate commented that it’s a nice feeling that everyone in Chem Year 4 knows each other, because that 80 odd people is what we have left from the initial 300. People whom you never talked to, say hi for the first time in 4 years. Coz we only have each other left to pull through this year. And as friends trickle away, what remains only bonds stronger.

And back to the initial topic, I know fairly well that unlike true siblings bonded by blood, friends can never be there till the very end. We will one day part ways (I hate that thought) and perhaps never see each other again. But till that day, I will cherish all the times we have together and may the memories last till... forever is stupid, so I guess till we go senile would be fine.

I see myself ten years down the road. You can never imagine the pessimisticity that I can conjure up in that scene. I hope that never comes true.

Sometimes I wonder how nice it is to have a brother like you.

P.S. Suddenly Ouran High School pops up in my mind. Hmmm..

Haven’t blogged in quite a while. As everyone knows, I don’t blog much about happy things. That’s more for others to blog about and I haven’t got the time to chronicle my days and events even though the past few days have been pretty exciting (RunNUS 2011 and Justin’s farewell). Well, Justin’s departure isn’t exactly something to be excited about anyways. Wish him all the best over in Beijing and maybe we shall hear some good news about ‘jiao zi’ over there. Didn’t have much time this week to sit down and mug since I’ve been occupied with RunNUS over the last weekend, slacking my ass off on Monday due to lack of sleep, Justin’s farewell dinner on Tues, sending Justin off yesterday and then dinner out today. I’m so on strike for my FYP this week and am so going to die for the next. But I’ve got so many other things to worry about and emo about right now.

Guilt. That plagued me for the past three months. Said the wrong things, did the wrong stuffs, walked to wrong way. I know what I wanted and what I didn’t want, but the way that I put it just wasn’t right. For the first time in my life, I admit I wasn’t sensitive enough, I admit I was doing things in my own selfish way. I dragged down not only one person, but everyone around me. I regret the words I said, I regret how it couldn’t turn out the way I thought it could. It is just that screwed up. I want to help, but I end up making things worse.

So I mug, mug until FYP stuff and school stuff fill up my mind and empty it of this whole saga. Mug until I cannot be bothered with it anymore. Mug until I’m too tired to think about anything else besides dendrimers and polypodal nitrogen derivatives.

I guess I’m running away in my own way. Waiting for the day that someone will tell me that I can finally put an end to this. I’m tired of this invisible tug-of-war.

I feel that I owe almost everyone around an apology. Hate me. Thanks.

[We are all a little weird and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness. And call it love.]

My dear friend, who is a medical student, just told me on Sunday that she thinks my life sucks. Gosh, a med student telling me my life sucks, really suck. Now seriously, I’m going to have a lifeless life (what an irony) this coming year. Oh wait, it isn’t coming anymore. It came.

Had a hell of a day yesterday. 830 – 1130am NMR AV300 training. 2-3pm inorganic seminar at IMRE. 3-430pm analytical seminar at IMRE. 430-530pm weekly group meeting at IMRE. 530-630pm meeting with mentor at IMRE. Hello life, where art thou? Went to HSS lib with Mel after lunch and guess what? I fell asleep straightaway after reading the first line of my notes. I’ve never been able to do that away from home. Oh well, 2011 is the year of my many firsts anyways.

And finally it’s National Day today. But I realised, each day, I’m either going for classes or giving classes myself! Had tuition at 10am today. And now, back to searching for journals. My awesome mentor just changed my FYP topic again, after so many days of trying to find journals on the last. Ok, maybe it’s not that bad since it’s pretty much just a modification. Now I’ve got to read up on three more aspects. *clap clap* Oh and yay, at least there’s nice dinner at Crystal Jade Korean later with nice people.

Haven’t got much time to think about any other things right now. Though with my overactive mind, there’s still that nagging thing going around, lurking in the dark and all. I really hope things don’t go around the same way again this time. I just hope it won’t be a case of different actors, same storyline.

Have been thinking on the bus home just now that I probably should write everything about my journey through FYP down here. They have a log book for the academic stuff, so it seems pretty relevant that there’s one for rants and emotional stuffs as well. I’ll try to upload pictures throughout my FYP year on facebook. Well, one doesn’t have another chance at this anyways.

Had a weekful of orientation programmes. No, it definitely isn’t anything like freshmen orientations though it’s almost as tiring as SOW and other orientation camps. And so my FYP orientation week started and ended.

Day One. Had English lecture on Monday, learning about the English language used in the writing of theses, what to go into the thesis, how to structure it, etc. First day and I got scared of the looming assessments of FYP already.

Day Two. Briefing by Prof Hardy Chan. More scary information about FYP. We could either come up with a thesis or publish a paper. Dreams about publishing a paper and patenting it. Ah wells, just dreams.

Day Three. Library orientation. I spent three years in NUS and this wasn’t compulsory until now. Trainer flushed Scopus, Web of Science, Reaxys and Endnote into our minds. Data overload.

Day Four. Faculty Safety Training. Agonising lecture from 830am all the way till 530pm. There was refreshments though, if not we would really have rotted into our seats. Chemical safety, biological safety, radiation safety, fire safety and first aid. Everyone agrees that chemicals cause the most harm and is the mostestestest dangerous of them all. Thanks. My life is so in danger for the next one full year.

Day Five, which is also today. Brain is crashing. NMR training in the morning. It was HELL, i’m telling you. There’re so many buttons to press for the software to run and we’re only given like 1 hour to start memorizing the millions of steps and commands. Besides, the commands were totally non-intuitive. ‘ns’, ‘tr’, ‘zgefp’, ‘apk’, ‘ii’, ‘lock’, which of them is intuitive? And then comes data processing. Hell number two. Click here click there, just to get a nice peak. Then came lab orientation. We’ve all been assigned to a fumehood each. A fumehood to call my own. Wow. The whole lab looks as if it’s been through 3 atomic explosions and 4 world wars. And regardless of where you are standing, you will still be surrounded by labels of ‘hazardous material’, ‘PFM’, ‘organic acids’, ‘flammables’, ‘explosives’. Gosh, EXPLOSIVES. Chemists better not be depressed. There’s even a safe to store precious metals. I heard it’s worth at least $100,000. Awesome. I’m so excited to work in Fukushima number two.

After five days of orientations, I just want to say... Before it’s ever too late for me to say... Dear friends and family, I love you all very much. I’m going to cherish each and every moment I have with you guys. Love love.

Back to journals. Oh wait, Naruto first. =P

Had an awesome epic chalet the past weekend. Guess my dear friend have documented almost all of the epicness that came along. Most of which can’t be described in any other way besides being just so epic. I bet if we collated all the epicness into a book, it would have to be thicker than Harry Potter’s last book. Probably called ‘Tolietpaper ghosts and The Daftly Harlows’. Pray that the book will never need to end. Ah there goes my hidden pessimism again. Maybe YR was right about Capricorns being ultimate pessimists. Ugh.

FYP’s sort of starting already, with me attending weekly meetings for the past four weeks and not understanding a single crap what the PhD students were presenting during the meetings. It better be normal that we undergrads don’t understand, if not I’m probably pretty screwed. I’ve been trying to revise my chemistry stuff from over the past three years, which is pretty bad since technically it’s still the holidays and I’m supposed to be able to slack my head off. It just doesn’t feel like holidays anymore already, since way back three weeks ago. Always have got the sudden wave of stress each time the weekly meetings end. Have got to present my FYP proposal in two weeks time and I’ve still got no idea what I’m supposed to do besides signing up for trainings and more trainings. There’re so many different courses and trainings to attend, my weekdays are pretty much packed to the brim till I can’t even keep track of them. Weekends are supposed to be there for me to chill and catch up with friends, but I’ve already got the constant nagging in my mind that I’ve got to study. I think I’m going into year 4 high gear mode pretty soon and hoping that I don’t burn out before the sem hits week 6! Well, a blessing in disguise it may be, so that I don’t have the time to think about other retarded stuff. Seems like I tend to hurt myself in some way or another and then lie to myself to take everything away. Oh wells. Like what my sista said, one can only focus on ONE FYP at a time. LOL.

Oh 12 midnight, time for a few pages of chemistry journals and then beauty sleep.