Everyone, i’m ending exams on the 5th of May 2009. I know its like super far away. Still have mixed feelings about the length of time i have to wait before i get to put my heart and soul into playing and enjoying life. One thing there’s not enough time for me to study and i really mean it. I know its not exactly because there really isn’t enough time but its actually because i don’t leave time to myself anymore. I’ve netball recrea, beach fiesta this Saturday, CACtUS concert this Sunday and i know loads of people want to jio me for dinner. (ok maybe not loads.). i really wonder why i said yes to all these. but no regrets though. I just need to work harder to pull my CAP up and make it above 4. If others can do it, why not me? But i’m like perpetually stressed all the time. I see the word ‘mug’ floating above my head ALL the time and the only thing i can think of right now is to mug. Can’t seem to really get out and enjoy and relax even when i’m physically out. But yet i can’t seem to concentrate when i’m down to my books. Bitter paradox. So people, if you wanna jio me out, the only thing is to mug with me. I REALLY NEED TO MUG. Mugging partner, anyone?

What Eunice said today was true. Very true in fact. I am indeed not happy with my current life. But yet i’m not exactly hating it either. I just took things as it came along. I threw away my feelings, i threw away the emotions. What she said was logical. Why should i remain like that? Why not change the situation and make myself happier? And if i can’t change them, why not change myself? But ask yourself this. What exactly can i do to change the situation? I really don’t know. And i don’t see what’s so bad about numbing yourself over these things. We all know very well that as we grow up, life sucks more and more. Isn’t it good to get over such things earlier in life? perhaps its those times alone that would make you treasure your friends better. I guess its better to not think of it and not try to do anything about rather than ‘rolling around in bed and emo-ing over it’. Life would be much easier like that. Like i always say, life’s better when you’re a retard. Coz there’ll be no expectations to weigh you down and make you sad.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

New laptop, new beginning. Yay. My Acer crashed when assignments started coming in. Blessing in disguise i guess. If not for that, i wouldn’t have gotta this new lappy!
Attended a corporate event yesterday with Ah Wen. Apparently her manager sent her to represent Hitachi Data Systems to attend and Ah Wen invited me along. Had a super tensed dinner coz we weren’t very prepared for it and we didn’t expect that it was THAT formal. The whole thing was about Delta Airlines merging with Northwest Airlines to become the world’s largest American airline. *rolls eyes*. The people there were obviously super important people, those who are decision makers in their companies. The one that was sitting beside me was from Philips, though i didn’t really get to know what he was working as. Didn’t know what to talk about since i wasn’t even from Hitachi and my only experience was with Great Eastern Life Planners and their clients, though i did come in contact with corporate clients. But that was a different story. Yesterday i didn’t even have any idea what they were talking about, let alone strike up a conversation. But i guess the alcohol was still worth the stress we went through.
White wine came with the appetiser. Smooth and without a very strong taste since it was only an opening to the meal. Another type of white wine came with the sea bass that i ordered. Strong but went down super well with the fish. Ah wen’s duck came with red wine instead. we both wanted to try each other’s wine but you know, the situation isn’t very nice to be sharing or passing around of the wine. Must be glam okays. =D last but not least, port wine came with the dessert of chocolate mud cake topped with vanilla ice cream. And let me tell you, the alcohol content ain’t very little you know. We got kinda high after awhile, but were struggling to suppress it since, it was a GLAM event. We can’t go yelling around, could we? Haha.
Was an overall good experience to know more about what to expect when maybe in the future i would have to attend such events. Who knows, maybe one day i’ll be the one giving the presentation on perhaps some new findings in the arena of chemistry. =P Dream on, baby.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

tHis was typed yesterday. but couldn't upload so now...here goes...

I miss badminton. I MISS BADMINTON. I’m emo-ing nowww..
Was at netball and slacking away when I don’t know how we got onto the topic of playing badminton. Oh! I think I was like ‘ why isn’t there a recre club for badminton?’ and then there started my immensely huge emo-ing. You know I like no longer care if I can play well anymore, I just wanna go back and play badminton. Its not like netball isn’t fun, it definitely is. But somehow when a sport has stayed with you for more thanhalf of your life, its hard to let it go. Especially one that requires practice to master and all that. All these years of training. Ok, I admit that I’m still not that good at it. But hello luh, at least I can play right?

Besides, those were the days being part of a school team. TEAM. Somewhere you feel belonged to. Some people you can always turn to for help. people whom you shared your joy of winning and sorrow for losing with. People that you trained hard with, endured torturing fart-legs (I still don’t understand why that’s called that way.), caterpillar running and ‘lines’ which I guess only we understand what that is. For those who don’t, its like running to every other court line in the hall, to and fro, in other words, its something like the beep test thingy just that its freaking much longer. The times that we all were too shagged and sat at the stairway drinking something with QQ balls and cheng ting. I still remember we were in love with soursop and mango ice blend. Or was it me only? Haha. I remember the times when LM cried after nationals or training and we all didn’t know what to do. I remember crapping a lot during Exco meetings and of course slacking a lot too.

I miss the times when drills made us run back and forth like retards. Times when we did shuttle run until our NAPFA can get gold for that event. And the best part was that we never fail to watch Aviva open together. And I still remember there was one year in JC when we watched Aviva finals a day before the nationals and I fell ill coz of shouting to much at the finals. And I had high temperature when I was playing doubles. And and and… there’s too many to type down here.

I soooo wanna play again. I wanna hear the swoosh of a racket, the crisp beautiful sound of a solid smash and feel the adrenaline rush during a drive cross court. Those were the days. and I long for it to come back.

P.S.
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♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

Its weri weri accurate besides the 'you will find yourself with plenty of dates' part. haha. try it! http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

I’m doomed luh. Have been slacking for the past three hours playing facebook. I need to stop myself from using the laptop so much and not doing my mugging. I need to get out of the house if not I’ll go on like that. And the more I slack, the more stressed I get after that. You just wake up to realize that there’s no more time left. I don’t want that. But now what I can only do is to regret. Which is dumb la.

I’ve got a lot of things to blog about at the back of my head, but some just don’t want to surface now and the others, I just can’t be blogging about them. Feels very constricted and stiff.

Its funny how when we enter the two club, as in twenties, people start telling me that they want their other half to come along, for the retardiest reason. Like to carry their bags, to use up their unlimited messages, to go home together after the boring lectures, etc. Not that I’m not one of them. Haha. Its just that its really almost every single one out there. Haha. You know I have no idea how a relationship starts (i think its like lottery) and wonder how come the ah lians and ah bengs out there are more successful in this area than me. Haha NOOB. People (older people) used to tell us to study hard and not get distracted by such things and stuff like eye candies. And then now, though I AM SUPPOSED to study very hard for my honours degree, the old-er people come and ask me why I haven’t found mine. What the hell la. Dramatic irony. (told you I like the word dramatic already. =D) Now I do have more time to myself and not mugging for the whole year, THERE’s ZERO eye candies and distractions for me to be distracted by! Life’s so boring now. Hope there’s one that would drop from the sky soon. Come fill my life with colours. Haha.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Seeing life in a whole new perspective. Its kind of an enlightenment. Bit by bit, you are less focused on how the world sees you as. What I do is for myself and not for the world to see. Suddenly, being alone feels more comfortable than it ever had. Maybe I’m getting used to it. Which is good, since half the time in school its like that (I’ve got different timetables from the rest of them and each of us have lectures that we don’t attend). But seems like the bad part is that you slowly forget the need for people around you and I don’t want to do that ever.

I guess the biggest problem with me is the same as that to most of the guys out there. I mean guys, not girls. Funny right? And that is we’ve all got huge enormous sky-high EGO. Hey I do have a a sky-high ego and its until now that I realized that it was the one that was hindering me and I’m not afraid to admit it. (wells, admit here la, I won’t like go tell people around me luh. >.<) but its weird for a person to have such a big ego yet so little confidence. And that’s me, at least I think so. Dramatic irony yeah? Ok, maybe not so dramatic. (I thought it sounded cooler with the word dramatic.) isn’t both similar? Nopes. Defining egoistic, it just means ‘cannot throw face’ in Chinese. This is as I see it luh. Confidence is something else. It means that ‘no matter how much you throw face, you still think you’re damn good’ or in short ‘ you think you’re good la’. So you get the point.

Got to explore science fac quite a bit today. Coz I had to find the stupid LSM tutorial class which was actually at the same place as lt32 but I didn’t know. so I followed the signs and landed up in the right place but had to walk a lot. I didn’t know that science had marine biology labs which was so freaking big and cool.. and they had artificial eco systems around in S2 I think. And super cool LS labs. AND I FOUND A LOT OF NICE SECLUDED PLACES WITH PLUGS AND BENCHES! So many places to zhi bi. Now who says science fac was boring? Ok, I did, but sorry la. Haha.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

I think the saddest part in life is not when you feel down and out. It’s the part when you realize nothing hurts you anymore and you’re so used to it being there as part of your life. One word – NUMB. You take it as it comes and think, this seems like what had happened before. And you wonder, so when’s the next time it’ll be like that again. Its like the stuff that are certain in life – Death, taxes (as what the econs lecturer always say) and that again. I’ve stopped thinking when and how its going to end coz I no longer hold that hope or even want to give myself false hopes. And can only blame myself on the misinterpretations that I had all this freaking years. For how you see me, I can’t control. But I hope that to you guys, I’m not only a course mate but as a friend.

-Everything breaks at some point of time. But some hurts more than others.

I guess friends are harder to get in universities. Everyone’s so individualistic. One for all and all for one is bullshit. Its always just the hi and bye people. One can only blame the lack of allocated tutorial slots.

Haiz. Shall put an end to this depressing talk. Gotta look forward and stop wallowing here. Easier said than done. But anything is better than jumping off the engineering block and stabbing the lecturer (yet not to death, how not worth it is that? Haha). NUS doesn’t have much high buildings to jump off from anyways. Hahah.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

I”M LIKE SO VERY KAN_CHEONG FOR THE A”S RESULTS LUH.
Super anxious for the juniors can. Feels like I’m getting my own results la. Haha. got so many people to be anxious for can. Ah wen’s the major one then LaiMeng, GuoHao, HongHu, Meigui, Joson, my fellow MH and etc etc.. don’t think I can sleep anymore tomorrow night le. Wanted to go back to NJ to take a look and support them abit but destiny made it that I was to stay in NUS and do my lab. The worse thing is that I’ve got that screwed up CM1131 test at 4pm. I just ended econs paper like really just now. Wasn’t really that bad but hope not everyone thought it was not bad (I know it’s a really evil thought but wells, that’s the cruel reality of competition).

You know I kinda find myself becoming more and more like a piece of driftwood. Never finding a place to land to call something, somewhat that I belong to. But it seems that it has become something that I’m getting used to, bit by bit. Like OMG luh. I don’t wanna be a loner for goodness sake. Something must be done but I don’t know what. Since the past cannot be ever repaired by anyone else besides the one that started it, I guess we all can’t do anything and just go with the flow. Being angry with you doesn’t help at all, but it’s a huge lie if I say that I’m not. Wells, it all condenses down to helplessness now I guess. Helplessness that arose from the fact that I did not realize the entire situation earlier, from the fact that I misunderstood myself and everyone else and from the fact that fate was not on my side.

I doubt half the people who read this would understand what the heck I’m writing, anyways its not meant to be understood. Just something i wanna let out =D

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road