Unsure. Perhaps that's how i'm feeling now. Okie here's what happened. I'm supposed to have training today (saturday morn) cause the Nationals are nearing and we are considered to be a pretty new team, considering the fact that i've only joined the team about a week ago. But you see, my mum doesn't like the idea of me having training everyday, let alone on saturdays. Really, i'm not kidding you. Ok, so i told Yu Pei this and she asked me to go and persuade my mother, which i wanted to. BUT, suddenly i remembered that i have dental appointment at about the same time as the training. And so i told her that. She said ok and that was it. NOW, i'm worrying that the team would think i'm not serious in playing the game and not really wanting to do my best in the Nationals. Its' not that i dont' want to go for training it's because... you should know why. I fear that the ' dental' would be seen as an excuse for not going training and i'm scared that they wouldn't believe me. am i just too sensitive or what? i don't want the team to ostracize me like i had been before, in Anderson. We don't talk about it in the past by we all know in our hearts that this wall between us had been formed and was never broken down, am i right, graduated Anderson badminton team? I really don't want it to happen again. I dont' know the reason behind those times in the past but i sincerely hope that it will never happen anymore. Really.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Screwed up life. Life screwed up.
Its such a crucial time in the year and i'm having cramps so bad i can't even go training.
I suck. I'm so very sorry. I just can't seem to stop letting people down. Argggghhh.. Simply pissed with myself. I now regret coming home. I should have gritted my teeth and stayed in school. Why do i always do things only to regret them later? Why am i like that?
I'm so so tired. How do people cope with multiple CCAs when i can't even cope with one alone? Like what Si Jing (Sai-girl) said to me today: be a fighter. But can someone show me how to? I really want to fight. but to what extent can i fight if i... Haiz.. Don't bother. Ok, i'm now just blabbering rubbish. Braindead.
Does studies+CCA+family+project+people relation= a fruitful life? i don't think so. I just think its a combination to drain a person out.
I just feel so insecure. Not sure what will happen next. Living my entire life in a whirlpool. No one can tell me my direction. Coz perhaps they are as lost as me. I've seriously lost my direction in life. I used to have one, a nice flowing pathway that led me to JC. But now, no.
Sorry people if you guys didn't understand what was written above. Coz they are just random thoughts that swerve in and out of my mind all of a sudden.
I've lost my direction in life, can someone be my compass?

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

THE PI NIGHTMARE IS FINALLY OVER. Yeah. I'm so so so relieved. Because of PI and my trainings, i broke the long-unbroken rule of sleeping by 10pm every night. I guess many ppl were shocked when they saw me online at such unearthly hour. Xiying hor?She just told me tt today. I hate the PI. Luckily it's once only.

CHIPOLATA. haha. haha. We (me+Simna+Yiwen+Eunice) went crazy over this for like the past few days since the day i asked the uncle at the stall selling tidbits in NJC canteen. Ok guys, it was like this------->tt fine day we went to the stall to get hotdogs. When the uncle opened the steaming Bao drawer, i spotted a white fat sausage beside the other normal pink sausages. So, out of curiosity, i asked the uncle what that was la. Horrors of horrors, he told us it was... CHIPOLATA! hahahahahaha... We were like momentarily stunned then we bursted out laughing. We couldn't stand anymore and quickly walked away. Chipolata? What in the world was that? We thought that the uncle couldn't pronounce the sausage and wanted to tell us that it was made of chicken. Somemore, we kinda of heard chipolata as 'cheese prata'. Then i was like: how on earth does this long whit sausage-like thing become a prata? WAHAHA. hilarious. Give it an accent and you'll think it's so funny, ur side ache. Then yesterday, before Aristal (aristal was fantastic.. good job guys!) we went to coronation plaza's cold storage. And we found a sausage labelled 'chipolata'. Aiyoh, so throw face lo. We were like 'shua-ku' la. Sorry uncle for laughing at you. So as a tribute to our dearest chipolata uncle and to the chipolata itself, we pay homage by : calling ourselves chipolatas. Yiwen is 'chi', i'm 'po', Eunice is 'la' and lastly, Simna is 'ta'....HAHAHA. what crap. Got song somemore. And cheer also. haha...

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Frustration.
Thats what i felt during today's PW lecture. My PI was rejected and i was dejected. How cruel can this get. I suddenly find myself to be a Primary Six student hidden in a JC student. I read Eric's PI and thought: wow he can really write.. and then i looked at my own... Pathetic i should say. He's like the professional planner and i'm like well... a fool who thinks her work is fantastic when in the first place she can't write a shit. Damn, my low esteem is acting up again... But its kinda reality, isn't it? Never mind bout that... Let me be ba... Sorry people, this blog is pretty meant to be my punching bag. So if you guys are already feeling super demoralised, please stop reading this immediately... Thanks for your co-operation.

Ok, I'm so very sorry to the touch ruggers... Couldn't go for training today... Do you guys really care whether i go? I know going for training is for my own good, but when i see people asking the others about why the particular person didn't come for training that day, i really wonder if they would do the same when i wasn't there... My hamstring (is that what you would call that muscle behind the thigh) is so very painful... i almost hopped about today after PE. We did sprinting during PE and you know what happened ba... And then the best of all, my kneecap produced sounds when i did squats... What the hell is wrong with me? Am i really not suitable for sports? But i really love the sun and runnng and touch rug... I'm sad.

I was going to buy dinner today and was on the escalator when i suddenly missed the knights of the round table (IJC people, you should know what i'm talking about...) Missed the times we frantically took photos together(like we would die the next day liddat...choi!), missd the times when we wore our ties to school and again, took photos... Missed the times when we pon-ed lessons and went to MAC to eat breakfast, Missed the times when we gossiped like mad.
Miss you people.

I'm getting negative again. No, no, no.. I don't want to. I want to enjoy my times in NJC. I don't want to complain the whole day. I don't want dark thoughts to strike me no more. My life is missing a piece. Maybe is that someone, maybe it is... Or maybe its just that i need more time to rule out the situation.
Or maybe it's just me, is it?

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Frustration.
Thats what i felt during today's PW lecture. My PI was rejected and i was dejected. How cruel can this get. I suddenly find myself to be a Primary Six student hidden in a JC student. I read Eric's PI and thought: wow he can really write.. and then i looked at my own... Pathetic i should say. He's like the professional planner and i'm like well... a fool who thinks her work is fantastic when in the first place she can't write a shit. Damn, my low esteem is acting up again... But its kinda reality, isn't it? Never mind bout that... Let me be ba... Sorry people, this blog is pretty meant to be my punching bag. So if you guys are already feeling super demoralised, please stop reading this immediately... Thanks for your co-operation.

Ok, I'm so very sorry to the touch ruggers... Couldn't go for training today... Do you guys really care whether i go? I know going for training is for my own good, but when i see people asking the others about why the particular person didn't come for training that day, i really wonder if they would do the same when i wasn't there... My hamstring (is that what you would call that muscle behind the thigh) is so very painful... i almost hopped about today after PE. We did sprinting during PE and you know what happened ba... And then the best of all, my kneecap produced sounds when i did squats... What the hell is wrong with me? Am i really not suitable for sports? But i really love the sun and runnng and touch rug... I'm sad.

I was going to buy dinner today and was on the escalator when i suddenly missed the knights of the round table (IJC people, you should know what i'm talking about...) Missed the times we frantically took photos together(like we would die the next day liddat...choi!), missd the times when we wore our ties to school and again, took photos... Missed the times when we pon-ed lessons and went to MAC to eat breakfast, Missed the times when we gossiped like mad.
Miss you people.

I'm getting negative again. No, no, no.. I don't want to. I want to enjoy my times in NJC. I don't want to complain the whole day. I don't want dark thoughts to strike me no more. My life is missing a piece. Maybe is that someone, maybe it is... Or maybe its just that i need more time to rule out the situation.
Or maybe it's just me, is it?

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Kinda back to normal today le... Just that a bit tired after the training i had yesterday... Felt like touch rugby isn't all that stressful after all... It's just a matter of practice and concentration, i guess... But i really hope that i can improve my ball 'ho-ping' skills coz i kinda always get drop-balls (i never really played any games that involve ball ho-ping besides captain ball ma... used to rackets le ma...) So seniors and 1st intakers, help me k? Thanks!

Today was great... I finally got to go into I&E hub... Which was pretty fun u see... Got board games, whiteboards as tables and best of all, got comp. I miss the times when i spent my free periods in IJC's library slacking in front of the comp and singing k in the 'discussion rooms'... Haha... But suddenly i look back, i don't seem to be able to remember the times that well le.. I guess they are fading away... Can someone tell me how to hold on? Don't tell me i should let go?

I was crapping with Si Jing today during the IFD concert (its like we crap all the times lahz)... We came up with the idea of having a class dance for teachers day and to celebrate children's day (which sound pretty retarded coz it came from me)... But come to think of it, i wonder whether our class would be up to it... The point is that we are all busy ppl and besides, our class is rather cliquey... So i doubt anything can be achieved... or would u prove me wrong, 06S22?

Came across Weiming's blog this morn in I&E hub... he talked of love and marriage (GP topic la...)... It sparked me off thinking whether we, at this age, know what is true love... i very much agree with him that love should not be for any reason. Should there be any reason, the love would not last long. For once the reason is gone, its the end of the road. I hear my friends speak of love and likings but yet i don't know whats the definition and boundarys that differ the two. How deep is love and how shallow is a crush? Have i actually ever loved someone? Or have i only liked someone before? i doubt anyone can tell me... Should we continue loving someone even if we don't stand a chance entering his life? oops, i guess i'm gonna bored ppl to death with my endless stream of questions... Keep them to myself ba. Hope that maybe one day i will find out.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Hey ppl, me here again... Don't really know why i kinda hooked on blogging le... Maybe its coz of a very stupid reason... The keyboard very nice to type la...U guys should know that i like to press buttons.. Also dunno why la...
I think its because of yesterday's depression mode that made me crap so much today..Still pretty depressed la... so bear with me...
Seems that reading ppl blogs make me more depressed...their life seems so much more happening than mine...
haiz...
Wallowing in the depths of depression

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Feeling darn lousy these few days.... Not very sure why though.... Maybe its because of neglecting my friends ba... I'm very very sorry, Selian... Didn't really have the time to call you up... Trying my best but its kind of hard... Sorry... Feel damn bad la... Actually right, my self-confidence is just acting up again... Hit rock bottom this time. I 've finally understood that i am really good at nothing... Really lousy me... I know alot but nothing at its best... I can mug but never get wonderful results... I can play the piano but can never be like others who do it on the stage with everyone else admiring... I can do sports but never suceed in being one of the outstanding ones... I can really do nothing good at all...In the eyes of my folks, I'm the high acheiver they couldn't be... In reality, I'm just a good-for-nothing person wallowing in the sorrows of my pathetic life...

I guess I'm just having another shot of mood swing ba...pieces of me just falls apart now and then.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

weekends are finally here... i've never ever (repeat:never ever) in my life have i so longed for the arrival of the weekends. it's not that i have begun to dislike school, its just that the hectic college life is definitely driving me crazy.i've got piles after piles of homework, busy CCA schedule, and almost every afternoon is filled with make up lectures. my mum said that i could actually bring a sleeping bag to camp in school since by the time i come home, it's practically 9pm.damn tired...
i find myself feeling super insecure nowadays...i reach school in the morning not knowing where i can find my friends... yes there is an 'Anderson table', but do i belong there? how many there would be willing to hear me yak? do i even know them well? i look for my other friends out there but all i could see are cliques busying themselves with latest gossip. i really don't know how or what should i react.
many people i know probably feels the same way i do, besides the RVians(they swarm all over NJC la, which isn't a bad thing coz i think they are nice). no matter how much u get along with someone, there are bound to have times where u follow and end up being the odd one out, surrounded with friends of his /her own. i am trying to get used to it (trying really hard).
i believe that since i have been posted to this college, be it the school of my dreams or just to get a good reputation out of it, we should be the best out of the time we spent in here. there will be unhappiness and loneliness but think of the happy times! there is surely some right? funtasia is coming right up and i'm sure it will be a beautiful memory,won't it?
i think u can tell the two reasons i'm writing these inner feelings, can't you? first reason is simple. i just wanna let out some things that had been bugging me all these while. the second reason is that i wanna tell eunice (eunice wong, fyi i know three eunices..haha) to cherish what she has here in NJC and to with drawing from NJC....please don't withdraw... look on the sunny side of NJ, you will like it here... besides u've got us and the um.... (you know)... so ya, don't go hor! we still rock, don't we? muggin rocks,yeah? haha...

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road