Its alright, really.

Friday, August 10, 2012 2:07 AM

Change. It's funny how I advocate change, while hating it. As a social being, I believe in the ability to adapt. Yet, I hate when other change. I'm such a hypocrite. Different friends, different scenarios.

I give in to my friends too easily, too much. To the extent I'm losing a battle with myself.

Chronic pessimism. A trait of capricorns. It's only a matter of whether you can control it, or let it control you. I have always been keeping my pessimism locked up safely in the mental ice palace, until recently. Maybe I've finally met someone that has a strong enough mentality that is the opposite of mine, that compels me to share my point of view more strongly. Or maybe I'm just nearing my breaking point, where all hell breaks loose.

I've already been much much less emo these days. It's a vicious cycle actually. Less exposure to friends, less friction, less things to worry about, more time thinking about the lack of exposure to friends and so on. In fact, half the time I spent thinking is on self destruction. I know it, but I still do it. I can only tell myself to avoid, not With very much success tho. There's a lot of things that I 自作自受.

I say things like 'given up on finding someone that can accept me wholly, and love me for who I am' not because I have really given up on the last ounce of hope, but more like trying to psycho myself in to self preparation for the worst. No hope gives no expectations. No expectations gives no heartbreak. Not sure if anyone gets what I'm getting at tho.

Seems like I'm repeating myself post after post. It's just something that has been bugging me over the past few years. Who can still have the patience to wait and the will to believe after an empty 8 years?

My posts are turning into a twirly-whirly mish-mash of the thoughts that stream through my head every night. Some repeating itself over and over again. I hope to leave them here and get them out of my mind.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Monday, August 06, 2012 12:27 AM

Relationship ain’t complicated. They are MADE complicated. I still live in the era of ‘Get together if we like each other, leave if we don’t’. Is that very complex? Or maybe I’m too long out of the trade that I’ve lost touch with the complexity of the dating game? Or maybe I’ve never been in the trade to begin with, no experience, no whatsoever. I hate the game. Yes, I am a sore loser. But who wouldn’t if one never had an edge up in the game, with every factor against you? I hate the game in which I have no choice but to wait and pray for my turn to come, in which nothing that I do can up the odds of success, in which I can only rely on chance, fate, destiny. It’s worse than striking it big in TOTO or 4D. It’s not like in studies, as long as we put in 100% effort to mug, we get some results. No, it’s not like that. We can only wait. For the day to come when we meet someone that sparks something. And then we continue to wait and see if we have the fate to grow that spark into something more. If it doesn’t, it’s back to square one. Waiting. How many years does one have? How many years can one afford to wait? So why make relationships so complex when we can’t afford the time to fuss about such stuff? Make it or break it. Move on. It’s the wondering part that takes up the bulk of our time. As long as we know what we want, just go for that. Some people (like me, and quite a bunch of the others) don’t have, never had the chance at it. So cherish what you have, the chance, the opportunity at love and make a decision about it. If it doesn’t go well, be happy that you were once given the chance to at least try. If it goes well, be happy that it did. Coz there are others out there who are still wondering when their turn will come. Their turn for a chance.

Same goes for a job. No matter how hard you apply, how hard to studied to get a degree, all we can do is to wait for companies to accept us. There's nothing else that we can do. How are we able to fight for and climb the corporate ladder when we are not even given the opportunity to start to?

And dear good friends, a reminder that you are not part of a conjoined twins. We have eyes and feelings too. I seek your kind cooperation. Thank you very much.

P.S.
Sorry for the angsty post. The inner me hasn't been in very good condition lately. Have been fighting the increasing urge to rant about life, and ironically the lack of it. (Who says only working people have no life? When one whose friends are all working, one has no life too whether or not one is working)

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road