Its alright, really.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012 12:20 AM

After a long long while, I finally understand. Friendship, like everything else, can end in disappointment. How do we determine the end of a friendship, the end of a relationship? When we start to realize we don’t know each other anymore? Or when one realizes that the other doesn’t try to put in effort anymore? A good friend told me not to put too much hope in any one human being. Well, true. But I have never put all my golden eggs into a single basket. I have a lot of golden eggs you see. Just that each ‘insignificant’ egg is in fact extremely significant to me, which is not v understandable from others’ point of view.

No one wants to say anything about what exactly is happening. That we are walking out of each others life. That we don’t know what is each of us up to these days. That we don’t know what to say and what not to say to each other anymore. No one tries to dig up stuff like in the past, because we know that we aren’t that close anymore to not offend each other. In fact, awkwardness stems from fear of offence. We don’t like something, but we don’t say it out anymore. There’s a thin layer of mist around us, blurring the distance in between. As time goes by, the mist turns into a shroud, and then a fog and maybe smog. Until the day when we can no longer see the one in front of us even though we are still physically near one another, we turn and walk our own way. I’ve gone through many of these times. Too many to still feel the pain of the current. Leaving primary, leaving JC. I know clearly where this will lead to. Like a broken record, playing itself over and over again. Nonetheless, I still have the reluctance to let it go, the bittersweetness that good times have to end. Well, a happy ending is still an ending. I don’t know if this is a happy one, but I guess endings are never meant to be rejoiced about. Whether you can’t or choose not to be part of my life any longer, I wish you all the best and may we still get together some time here and there, have some small chit chat, and I sincerely hope that you will still be willing to say hi when you see me walking by. Because each of you left footprints in my life. And my life isn’t cast in sand, it’s cast in cement.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Friday, July 27, 2012 6:27 PM

Day by day. I sit by my phone waiting for it to ring. Hoping that it might be some company that I’ve applied to in the past one week or so. Hoping that it would be that pharmaceutical company that I’ve went for interview at. Hoping and hoping. But hope turns into disappointments and then into despair. They say that true despair cannot come without hope. Can’t express my common consensus enough. Gets worse at each passing day. Now I make the conscious effort to tell myself to smile. To smile, so that others won’t be affected by the storm that’s brewing inside. Smile, so that no one will be bothered by the constant desire to whine about my unemployment. I know it’s bloody irritating for someone to whine about their predicament repeatedly. I know it, and therefore I restrain. But inside, it eats me up. Chews at my liver, gnaws at my lung, tears at my heart. I don’t know how long do I still need to keep this up. After a while, I have to remind myself not to want to jab my middle finger up the nose of people who ask ‘you got go apply jobs right? Then how come u still unemployed?’ and yell vulgarities at them. It’s not like I’m lost and have no aim in life. I have a clear aim, a very clear plan of where to move towards and a clear goal in mind. But what’s the use of being inspired and moving on when no one opens their doors to you? No one can tell me what’s wrong, no one can tell me why they don’t respond, no one can tell me why I’m not impressive enough. So what am I to do? I just want to get out of the house and get reciprocated for what I’m good at, for what I can achieve. Maybe luck just ran out on me. Maybe I’m destined to look for a job for a damn long time. If only I can believe in fate and destiny.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Sunday, July 15, 2012 3:03 PM

Now time passes like a blur to me. Graduated. Happy. Unemployed. Sad. Life’s full of ironies, isn’t it? Everyone was telling me how they wish that time would pass faster for them to graduate sooner, and now everyone’s either complaining that they can’t find a job or whining about their work life. The grass is always greener on the other side, so they say. Days now go by with tons of thinking in my head. I’ve got decent results, but no one wants to take me in now. Missed the second upper mark by 0.04. Sorry, can’t help harping on that. Who wouldn’t?

One by one, everyone starts getting employed around. It’s like canned food on a shelf in the supermarket. Waiting for takers, every single day inching just a little closer to expiry. Wondering if someone would take me before I go into the dumps. Same goes for the other part of life. Relationships, obviously. Boredom leads to watching Taiwan drama leads to smiling at the screen feeling happy for the lead actress leads to emo-ing over the lack of love life in thyself. Contemplating whether to stop watching those and start indulging in some Shakespearean romance plays that have plots which have even less chance of materializing in real life (Gives me less ideas to hope for).

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road