Suddenly very reluctant to graduate, suddenly realising we won't have much of those epic moments anymore, suddenly very scared, very sad. Suddenly thinking about the snapshots of the past few years I spent with my sports club people. It is them who make graduation feel painful, with the knowledge that we will soon go our separate ways. If I don't put in effort to pull them back for a gathering, will they do the same? Who will? Some I've known for quite some time, whom I have had the most epic moments with, will no longer be always within reach. Others whom I've just got to know, will not have many chances left to create new epic moments. ('epic moments' sound funny, but trust me they ARE epic) I hope I pray I wish we can continue this way, but I know we won't. I'll do what I can, but I know I'll get tired eventually. But till then, I hope pray wish that we will continue to create more epic moments to pile on to those I preserve in my phone and my memory bank. My memories are embedded in the photo album of my iPhone. I smile to myself just scanning through them. Some bittersweet tho. My life in NUS, summarized through the lens of the iPhone. <3 P.S. I think it's especially hard to let go when it's something this EPIC. Seriously. (emo post becomes hilarious post. Thanks to the word 'epic')
my own dusty road
I think I have the habit of friendzoning MYSELF. Bad. Very bad. (Side note)
Days in school are numbered. Which also means that days with friends, seeing friends, being surrounded by friends, are also numbered. The fact that I love going to school so so so much is derived from the knowledge that I can see my friends, at least one or two of them. Even if I don’t see anyone I know throughout the day, I know that they are somewhere in the same vicinity as me. Funny that that’s enough. Coz, of all things, I’m the most afraid to be alone. No no, not talking about lonely. Lonely is even when one is surrounded with people but still feeling empty inside. No no, I’m not like that. I just need to sense the presence of people, people whom I can communicate with, whom are more or less going through the same things as me, already friends or those who can become one.
This is what I’ll really miss when I graduate. Not lessons, not books, not professors, not labs, but people. The people that are in school, the people that went through school with me, people whom I’ve never caught their names but always look so familiar. I’ll miss studying too. But for the sole reason of being able to study with friends.
I hate friend turnovers, though my rate isn’t as bad as some. But still. The only constant is change.
my own dusty road
Think it’s alright to reopen my blog to the world again, after being enclosed to only a few friends. Anyways, who bothers to read my blog these days? Suddenly feels like some mao-ze-dong-revolution thing, opening up China to the world.
20 days to graduation. Excited? No. Sad? Not really. Happy? No. Reluctant? Yes. I don’t want to ever graduate. Of course I’m looking forward to the convocation, throwing the mortars and all that. But that’s not because I want to celebrate ‘freedom from books’, it’s more like I’m looking forward to being able to camwhore all day on that eventful day! Pardon my extremely retarded reason.
I’ve had the four best years in my life and it all comes from the times spent in NUS. Primary school was a torture. Secondary school was happening, but the excitement happens to the people around me and not TO me. JC was full of sports, trainings and crazy-anyhow-whack bball games after econs class. But that two years was also the most stressful time academically. And then came varsity.
Started off thinking that it would be extremely competitive and difficult to study for since the concepts looked so abstract and complex. I was kinda wrong. In fact, the way semesters work here suit my study pattern perfectly. My ultimately short short term memory. Yes, I still think the concepts are difficult to understand and take a long time to digest. But after cramming for each exam, I could just throw away the concepts after that. And the funny thing is that with that mindset, I could keep more things in my brain (which proved very useful for FYP)! So studying became much less of a problem.
Although it wasn’t much of a problem, I didn’t score extremely well either. Always believe that life should be fulfilling in all aspects. And then I made the best choice of my life (so far) – join sports club. I think I probably don’t need to elaborate more on this since I’ve been pretty repetitive on this topic for quite a number of posts already. Shows my lovvvveeeee…. <3
I really think that I’m very blessed with so many friends around me, at each point along the way. I admit being lost and empty after leaving SC at the end of year 3, despite some unhappiness that cropped up then. SC was my life, we saw each other every single day, had dinner together almost 5 times a week (until my ma said ‘you go marry SC and don’t come back la’) I thought I had to go through my final year alone, face the horrendous load of FYP alone. But I was wrong. And this I’m very grateful for. I had my FYP friends with me. Getting to know one person after another, until even some in the chem (hons) cohort whom I don’t know knows me. Bonding was easy, since we all had to go through the same hell. Thankful for all their encouragement and gossiping times (we haven’t reached the level of HTHT).
That sums up my uni life. My only regret was to not be able to stay in hall or go on an exchange. But thinking back, with SC and all the friends that I’ve already made, I guess I wouldn’t be able to last till hons year if I stayed even one sem in hall. Would have been in bin’s list.
my own dusty road
Its 2am now and it’s not like I’m not feeling sleepy. I am. But I just felt like blogging right now. The whole house is quiet. Like it’s the best time I can pour out stuff or something.
Just had a long reminiscence/HTHT session with my girls tonight. Sat at Starbucks from 5 to 11. Record holder for longest HTHT session yet. Talked about all sorts of stuff. Guys(usual topic), sec sch epic moments, fyp, school, how someone will probably get married sooner or later, stuff like that. I’m just real thankful for friends like them, who sticks together no matter where we are and what we do. It’s not like we haven’t changed or anything. We changed in our own different ways. For starters, none of us belong to the same faculty – arts, engine, science, biz. Different CCA. Different perspective. Different way of thought. Different personalities. Even the preference for guys differs so much, we probably won’t have to worry much about fighting over anyone. But it’s the way we accept our differences. In fact, embrace it. It’s really fascinating how we can embrace the almost-knowledge that we will fight during our grad trip, without having gone on it yet. I think that is what makes the best friendship. We know we will not be alike and we don’t have to be alike.
The stuff that we talk about evolves over the years, with the biggest change in criteria for finding the right one. Well, fortunately/unfortunately (decide for yourself) 3 out of 4 of us are pretty green in this area. We used to have a longggg list of standards (pretty hilarious on hindsight) which included things like : must be a bballer, height of at least 180cm(how to find when 70% of the guys are only around 170?), tan, athletic, excel in studies, etc. Now, we only hope for one whom we can click with and are nice to us. Gosh, those days of impracticality. Actually, I don’t even think about it now anymore, let alone hope. After the two incidents, I think I’ve shut down that part of me. I’m scared of something, but I don’t know what that something is.
I would love to feel something again, be it hate or love. Because right now, that part of me is just an empty shell. So mundane.my own dusty road
