Its alright, really.

Sunday, October 16, 2011 5:24 PM

I seriously don’t know if I’m just too nice or plain stupid. I’m sitting opposite one of the people that I was super angry with in the morning. Just this morning, pissed me off like shit. Pissed me off so much I couldn’t sleep and went to run. Pissed me off so much I told myself I don’t want to see this person ever again. And here I am sitting across the table. There is just no point in stopping you from sitting in that seat across the table anyways.

I think the difference now is that my heart has died for our friendship or the situation we are in. I don’t care how you feel anymore. I’m too tired to be doing that all the time. After yesterday night, it was all gone. You can sit beside me and emo all you like, but I’m not going to feel anything anymore. You made it this way, because you didn’t know when to stop. And I’m not the person who will let emotions stand in my way, I get over them, not let them trample over me. Psych myself that I dun care, and eventually I will treat it as my own reality. I have had a topsy-turvy past, it is just that i had the strength in controlling emotions to thank for. Because it’s the people like you and the others who have hurt me in some way or another that reached in and pulled out that potential in me. Because what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.

I forget anger easily, though I will not forget the reason behind it. And once it happens, it happens. Cracks WILL appear. That’s not going to change. I think I’m pretty scary when I’m angry, I scared myself too. That is something I got to discover just this summer. What an eventful summer.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Saturday, October 15, 2011 11:46 PM

I realized my mood can swing from end to end. Don't blame me, it's not that I want to. And I'm not that kind who will be high at one point and emo in a corner at another. Yes, I show my mood changes more these days. But I am still very aware of how it can affect others and try my best to joke it off. today was terrible. I could really feel my blood boiling at my throat.

The movie was awesome. Watched Real Steel today. Will watch it again anytime if I can. Love that movie. Love the storyline, love the way the bots fought. The strength, the love, the violence, the feeling. All packed in one awesome movie. Loved both the hard brutality of the fights and the softness of the relationships built in it. Which explains my 'high-ness'. And not forgetting the mugging in the day with two awesome guys.

And then comes the low part. I'm already pumped up with the violence from the movie when I saw the message from someone. Oh yes, the reno. What else could it be? Guess what? 'We are uncomfortable with the revised quote as it does not meet financial guidelines' HELLO, you told me we could go ahead with it. You told me it was going to be approved that way. You told me I don't need to reopen the GEBIZ thing and just submit the quotation will do. And now? You tell me I have to reopen it and that they cannot approve it because we were not specific in the first place? Tell me, do you know how much trouble I had to go through with the contractors, meeting them and getting them to understand what the shit is that we want? Do you know that each contractor have their own design and dimensions? We are not ordering something generic. Yes yes, I know that I will probably be going through all this in the future when I go out to work. But I seriously need to whine about it here and now. Sometimes I wonder, why did I take this up in the first place. Why the stupid person that I am agreed to let myself go this way. Why didn't I give up halfway and tell the people around me that it is impossible and I don't want such responsibilities. Because I think there is this possibillity, that things can be better in SC, that the place could look nicer. I wanted to push through to realize something significant. But how would I know it would be like this. And you said you would help, but how can you even lend a hand when you can't even draw the line between work and personal matters? I'm asking myself time and again why do I do this for the club. When there is nothing much there for me to look for anyways? When the people I loved have left, have changed, have disappeared? When I am not even paid a single cent? When no one even initiates to help me? When it is not going to be reflected in any papers? I really don't like the idea of quitting something before it reached the end. It is way against my principles (I realized I have pretty strong viewpoints and principles that I abide to) but it is really getting on my nerves time and again. I really don't want to tell KY or anyone else that I cannot continue, because I hate thinking that I would be faced with their disappointed look. As much as I can, I would want to fulfill what others want. Until the point I can no longer withstand.

Which brings me to pissing off part two. Coming out of the cinema, I was asking around where shall we eat, partly to deviate my thoughts from the SMS. Guess what, after walking around a bit, you tell me that you guys are going to Balestier for dinner and some stuff. Ok, fine. I shall go eat with TC only. And you three can go Balestier and happily eat your dinner together. Thanks for showing me black face the whole day anyway. Well, I'm used to it already. I just don't like how it affects my other friends though. But the best part is, I really don't know that Balestier is in Bishan. On our separate ways, you guys are just so 'lucky' to have been spotted by us again, buying food to eat. Ok fine I now know you guys don't want to eat with us. Thanks for letting me know that. Thanks for letting me know that I can't trust you anymore. I thought I could, I really thought we could be lifelong friends that can just go out to HTHT anytime. I thought that maybe I have found a guy that can be my good friend, that I can talk to, whine to, share my problems and happiness and consult when i can't find my own solution. I thought you could help alleviate the matter, I thought we all could be friends again, as a clique. But now I know I'm wrong, and I'm starting to doubt myself from the past. Whether there were already such cracks and flaws that I couldn't see, whether you were sitting on the fence in the first place. I know it's natural to side the one that you are closer to, the one that you spend more time with. I only ask of you to take a step back and think a little for me. I genuinely felt your happiness, I was sad when you were emo. Times like this when I think that I gave so much, but do you give to me? Friends, like lovers, always have a net giving and a receiving end. I'm just disappointed in this imbalance and in my own choice.

And to the one with the face co our changing technique, thanks for giving me an awesome show of face-color-changing. I can never grasp what you are thinking. You asked for time and I gave you. Then you change your mind and I let you. I rationalized that ultimately, you are still my friend and i WILL trest you as one. And what happens? This? Tell me, how may girls out there have had the patience and tolerance to withstand such nonsense for so long? My stand is firm, I have already let you know that, and if in the face is not clear enough for you, I really don't know what to do. So get over it and stop asking me to join you guys when all I get would be just dark clouds and a stormy sky.

Thanks to everyone that I can't digest my dinner now and feel like it's coming out all the time. And also thanks for helping me stay wide awake so that I can maybe write this post and let it out and perhaps complete another stack of lecture notes. Thank you, and maybe I don't want to see you again. Maybe. (I know all the words above are written in a fit of anger. And that it will come to pass. Because I think our friendship is worth much much more than this . Hope you will come to understand that one day too)

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Friday, October 07, 2011 11:15 PM

Hmmm my previous post seem to be a little misinterpreted. But anyways, forget it. It was just rantings of the crazy mind. Although yes, the weather today still reflects the weather inside me but I’m alright already. Got to get used to London’ weather you know. I haven’t got much time to ponder about such stuff anyways. My chemicals and conical flasks need my attention more. My thoughts are ultimately pointless and selfish ones, so why have them in the first place? Ah there goes me trying to self-psycho again.

I’m turning into an antisocial. Seriously. And it’s time for some action before it’s too late. I’ve seen the signs and the symptoms popping out nowadays. Eat lunch alone, mug alone, go home alone. And the scary thing is how sometimes I prefer it that way. Cannot cannot!!! Life’s been giving me alot of the thing I hate the most – silence.

Ah crap, my blogging is turning fuzzy. Disjointed thoughts all over. I think I’m overworked. Fuzzy brain, fuzzy entry. Feel like getting high on milk tea. Gibberish.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

12:19 AM

And finally it got in. An episode comes to an end. For better I hope. For the both of us. Nothing more said can help the situation. If it has to come this way, it will. It isn’t anyone’s fault, no one’s to blame. I had my fair share of mistakes (and I just made one again, stupid me), and you admit making yours. Till you are willing to be my friend again.

It’s just so funny how I can feel so much for others, but when I’m the one going through all that crap, no one cares. No one gives a damn, no one tries to help. All I did was to blame myself for all my own thoughts and weaknesses. Because I understand that they didn’t do anything to me, anything out of the ordinary. Everything was my own wistful thinking. And amazingly I got over everyone that came into my way.

In the end, everyone is selfish in their own way, pursuing their own ideals and desires. It’s alright. We all learn in the process. Because what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Who knows? Maybe this way, one day I’ll find what I’ve been searching for in you.

I secretly hope for a world devoid of romance, a world of only friendship and kinship. Because romance destroys friendship. ‘zhong she qing you’ is just one of the many instances. I know many don’t agree with me. Sometimes I don’t want to agree with myself either.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Saturday, October 01, 2011 3:26 PM

And so yesterday marked the end of my year-long journey in NUS Students’ Sports Club. So many memories made, so many friendships forged. Some, unforgettable. Of course, happy times come with sad times. Times that I wished I could just run away from the club, to not bother about its workings and the people in it. But time and again, the others would pull me back in.

I’ve struggled with the desire to return to the place I call my second home to study and to slack over the past two weeks. I know you can say that ‘Once an MC, always an MC’. But deep down, you know that your work is more or less done there. The room is not your exclusive right anymore. As much as my heart wants to stay, my brain tells me it’s time to leave. It’s time to let it go, leaving it in the hands of people that you hope to be able to believe that they will bring things through and that your efforts will not be wasted.

Three years. Three years of awesomeness. Three years of filling my life with colours. I can never say enough thank yous to the people who brought all these happiness to me. Although they walk in and out of my life, some pausing along the way, some still staying on, most of which I hope would walk on with me, each and every one of them left an everlasting mark on me. Of happiness, of joy, of laughter, of sadness, of frustration, of regrets.

I think I’ve matured quite a bit over these years, roughen by the many events and last-minute troubleshooting that we pulled through together. See things in a different light now, gained experience in areas that I would never have elsewhere.

Felt the love of friendship and well, some a bit more than that. Gave my heart, hurt it, broke it, mend it and went on to build a wall around it. Never did I regret it one bit. It’s part of the process of learning and living. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I never regretted falling in love with someone who turns out to be one of my best friends in NUS. Well, I don’t deny asking why nothing happened. But all in all, I guess it’s for the better. For who knows what happens in the future?

Perhaps the only few things that turn thoughts of sports club melancholy would be the recent events. I would like the least to turn things bad towards the end, and I hate to have an ending as sour as this. I’ve tried my best to make things better. I know what I’m doing isn’t the best of things. But at the end of the day, I am who I am. And it’s hard for me to change the way I do things. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise for me, since it’s definitely helping me drift away from the club. Although I’m not so sure if drifting is best for ‘retirees’ like us anyway. Maybe I could escape to somewhere far far away, where I can mug myself to death by myself and eat PhDs. Perhaps that way would prevent me from destroying the lives of others, and the friendships that people have. I hate to think of me as the source of the ‘collapse’ of everything, but I sincerely know it’s true. Tortured I may be inside, but I don’t think that’s enough to be able to piece everything back again for you guys. That, would be my greatest regret.

So everything comes to an end, and hopefully this issue of mine as well. Wanna thank all for your love and support, some more some less and some overwhelming. Thank you for allowing me into your lives and appreciating the things I do. Thank you for accompanying me in the darkest of times, the ‘emo-iest’ of HTHT sessions and sharing my joy in successes. Thank you NUSSSC 31^st Management Committee.

With lots of love and hugs,

Val

Because you loved me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road