I realized each time I blog, I have to always start with lamenting about how long it has been since the last time I blogged. Coz it's really been a damn long time. Happy that I've finally gotten my new iPad, allows me to blog on the go. iPhone's just too small to be used for blogging already. I do admit a big part of the reason why I wanted to get the touchpad was to watch my anime like unlimitedly. Well, it doesnt hurt to indulge in something that cost two months worth of tuition pay now and then right?

On a more serious note, a thought has been nagging at me for quite sometime already. It seems like since the day I dragged you out for dinner to talk, it's back to square one. I do hope that you know what I'm actually driving at that day. I don't go back on my word. I'm scared, I don't want to hurt you all over again which explains why I'm not doing anything, not saying anything. So I hope, I pray that you will understand it someday and get over it. This feeling is just not here not there. What an uncertainty. Everything you do leaves me thinking what should my response be. But I admit it's definitely much better than sometime back.

In the end I'm still by myself, in the end I don't still don't have anything. Like what I was telling my awesome friend the other day at Macs, after four years in NUS, I've learnt something that nowhere else will be able to teach me - that I do not need anyone to survive. I can fairly well survive on my own. I need no guy to rely on, coz ultimately I came to this world alone, and will leave this world alone eventually. When you forget to study for a test until the last minute, you have only yourself to help you pull through the test, survive the exams. Who will be there to help you do your papers? No one.

Until I can find someone better than myself, I guess this mentality will stick. Tell me, is this optimism or pessimism?

Another thing just came to my mind, after my dear friend (not the one mentioned above) said that he stepped down already and that he won't go back to SC to mug. While I'm saddened by the fact that he thinks like that, a large part of me agrees with him as the days go by. I admit that part of the reason is to hopefully wean someone off me, but also to wean myself off clubroom. Just look at how it is right now. It's just so 'leng qing', so few of us mugging in there. For the few of them who do, more than half of them have a side agenda. Why can't this world be made up of only friends (nothing more nothing less) and we can all mug happily together? oh wells, maybe in a way I'll have less distractions, and perhaps more time to lament about the bleak situation.

First week of FYP lab. You can tell from my frequency of blogging that I don’t have much time for even myself. I’m either at the lab, or on my bed. And I realised the time I spend on my bed is like half of that I spend at the lab. I think every Chemistry FYP student has got every reason to lament, complain, bitch, nag, whine to others about the horrendous schedule that we have. Maybe, perhaps, unfortunately (for them, not us) the only ones who can ‘out-schedule’ us are the medicine or architecture peeps. So what’s all the fuss about my schedule? Here it is.

Monday 9-6pm Lab

Tuesday 9-6pm Lab 6-10pm Lecture

Wednesday 9-12nn Lab 2-4, 6-10 Lecture

Thursday 9-3pm Lab 3-4pm Tutorial 4-5pm Weekly Meeting 5-7pm Lab

Friday 9-6pm Lab

Saturday 10-12am Tuition 2-10pm Mug in school

Sunday 2-4pm Tuition

And in between all of that, I’ve got to clear my readings, lecture notes, study for midterms, prepare my tutee’s worksheets, eat (hopefully), mop floor, wash toilet, go cycling with my dad (he seriously needs exercise), entertain my mother, settle some you-know-what problems and so on so on so on. Sometimes I’m just so damn tired, I don’t even feel like smiling to anyone, let alone speaking to anyone. This, I swear, is unprecedented for me.

Sincere apologies to people whom I have pangsehed over the last few weeks. I’ve been trying to limit myself to going out only on Friday nights and perhaps one of the weekend nights. Seems that FYP have changed something in me. I have a constant urge to mug and suffer terrible guilt after a day of slacking. As much as I have an angel/devil telling me that I have to mug, I also have an angel/devil reminding me of my need to maintain my social life. Is this called an internal struggle? Prioritise my time? Meet one group of friends each week. Maybe that’s a feasible solution? But they come in so many permutation, and so many other things to consider.

I hate the thought of sports club and my social life ebbing away while I spend my days in a windowless lab. I go to school alone, eat lunch alone (OMG can’t believe that, at least I had clubroom to hide in then. Now, A*star is just too far from clubroom), go home alone, mug alone in school on weekends. That just isn’t my style. Everyone’s so busy, either with school or going on with their lives at work. I don’t see much of 31^st MC peeps coming back to clubroom anymore, no one mugs in clubroom on Saturdays anymore. And I’m just too tired to jio people to mug with me either. I’ve been doing that for three years and more already. Sometimes maybe it would be good if it can be done to me instead. Maybe I just need to be reassured that I mean something to you guys and that I am thought of sometimes. And not just that irritating person that keeps messaging to ask if we want to have gatherings or mug together when we really don’t want to.