Spent the past 6 days hermit-ing at home, mugging intermittently. I seriously don’t understand how arts peeps mug their stuff. I can understand philo but I can’t reproduce my own philo. All the arguments are just messed up inside my head. Oh wait, are they even inside my head already? Well they better be, since the exam’s just tomorrow!

Haven’t gone to school for all these past few days. Matric fair’s going on and I didn’t even turn up for any day of it. Sorry guys, I couldn’t and well, truthfully, some part of me don’t want to. Can’t pinpoint it though, but going for SC’s stuff isn’t as appealing as it used to be anymore. I mean for normal events like Matric fair. Of course RunNUS is different (it’s my life, my blood, my sweat, my prrrreeecccciiiioussss. LOL) Oh and I spotted your photos amongst the many photos of Matric fair on Facebook. Once again, makes me not regret not going for Matric fair, once again it proves to me that you should be much happier when I’m not around. Because when I am, I don’t see that spark in you anymore. So let me fade, fade away into some random wall or anything. Let me become a part of your memory. I can never become your reality either way.

Tomorrow, I’ll enjoy my life to the utmost fullest. Three meagre days of holidays. No one is allowed to spoil it. I’m not going to bother about any sulking faces or pissed off looks. Because, three days is all I have. After that, it’s die or die. Love life. Yay.

P.s.

Typed all these in ten minutes. Haven’t got time to structure my thoughts properly. But there, raw and uncut.

You know what I think? I think even if I’m the only one in the whole world that you are going to ignore for life after this, I don’t mind it. Yes, I’ll be sad that our friendship has gone this way, but as long as the rest of your friendships aren’t affected that would already be good enough. Yes, I’m extremely utilitarian. I’m not trying to say I’m v generous or anything with altruism, but that’s really what I feel. Some things only time can tell. I hoped you learnt something from here, like how I did and still am.

Worry turned into self-condemnation, turned into giving up and then turned into being pissed off. Once or twice it’s fine. But it’s getting a bit too obvious, a bit too frequent and it’s getting a bit too much attention. Perhaps that is exactly what you want. Can I ask you, how old are you already? Do you need to do things this way? Don’t you ever think of what consequences your actions have on others? How the things you do would affect others? How waving off our concern as just a joke can hurt others? Do you know how many people have been asking about you since i don’t know when? Do you know how lost I am when I’m supposed to answer them? Don’t you even know that it’s damn fucking obvious? Why do you keep making excuses? You’re enjoying it right, the attention you’ve gotten each time? I’m not going to care anymore. If you want to act that way, so be it. I think I’ve done enough. Like what my good friend said, I can’t satisfy everyone, I can’t make everyone happy. Even if I can, who’s going to make me happy if I give up things to make you happy. So whatever for. And thanks for saying that I’m overly confident that the whole thing involves me as well. I know it does, if not give me a good reason.

Anyways, whatever.

P.S.

People who read this. Please do not do anything. Read this and forget about it. Just like how I'm writing to forget about it. Do not attempt to guess who this is directed to as well. There's no point. Nobody will care anyway.

Year 3 draws to a close with the commencement of my fellow NUS mates this week. Went for TC’s graduation, not the actual ceremony but the after event. Seeing them don those robes seriously made me wanna get one immediately and graduate on the spot. But thinking about how much sense of achievement I’ll get after the next academic year as compared to this year, I’m definitely going on for my honours. Excited I may be, but my incoming year feels as bleak as it can be. I can say, I’ve probably going to have a hell of a year. Most of my closest friends in NUS are graduating this week, throwing their mortar boards and all. But that’s not all. Leaving sports club will probably be the hardest change in the whole of my uni life. It’s been such a big part of my life for the past three years, it defines university for me. I’ve always hoped that I could end my term in Sports Club on a high note, but the looks of it tells me that I’ll probably have some regrets at the end as well. Because life is as unpredictable as it gets. Next year, it’s going to be lab lab lab, night classes night classes night classes. Someone please send an angel down yo!

And lastly, CONGRATULATIONS TO MY DEAR FRIENDS WHO ARE GRADUATING!!!!

Jieyi, Zhiyi, Tze Chee, Han Juan, Olsen, Zhi Wei, Kelvin (who should just stop bugging me about the grad pics), Kar Wei, Chee Mei, Gabriel, Priscilla, Hui Ting, Lawrence, Kengyong.

I wonder when it’s finally my turn, who will be there?