Bad week. Too many emo cases, too many counselling to do. Why does life bring so many lemons all so suddenly? I can’t keep up with the lemonade-making.

Solving the problems of others give me a little time to forget about my own, to forget about how much I owe others, how much I screwed up the lives of others. I didn’t mean to do it, I just wanted to be honest to myself and to you as well. I can understand perfectly how it feels, simply because I’ve gone through it myself. But if given the choice, I would probably have done the same thing again. I don’t know if I even regret saying what I said, because half of me does, yet the other half doesn’t. Saying a thousand sorries probably won’t be able to make up to the pain I’ve caused you, but that’s the exact thing I’m feeling right now – sorry. I’m sorry I’ve caused you to be in this state right now. As a friend, it only pains me more knowing that I’m the root cause of it because all my friends matter a lot to me especially those who are good to me. All I can say is I’m as fucked up a bitch as ever, not worthy of all the effort. I rather you blame it on a bitch like me then question your self-worth, your life. Coz it just makes the whole thing worse for yourself, which in turn and more selfishly, for me.

Somehow it struck me that I’m just going to add the word ‘selfish’ to the list of condemnations for still holding on to the hope that we can still be friends, and holding on the ‘I seriously just wanna be good friends with you’ thought. I guess it hurts you more that way. But what am I to do when I really treat you as a damn good friend? If you didn’t mean a thing, then why am I like this right now?

Damn, suddenly I feel like going out, grab a soy milk, hail a cab, drop off at ECP, find a spot on the sand, listen to the waves and just stare into space.

It’s been so long since I last blogged. So much have happened in just the past few weeks. Cleared most of the hurdles myself, fought with my own inner demons alone. Never fail to astound myself with my own emotional strength, though with utmost fluctuations, and my own ability to counsel myself and others. There were some who asked me before whether I’ve ever been in their situation to be able to know so much what they are going through and what they feel. My answer is a simple and obvious no. How on earth am I going to cramp all that experience time in the short 22 years that I’ve lived? Isn’t that obvious? The key here is to put yourself in their shoes, feel for them, imagine what it will be like for you if you were in the same circumstances as them. Easy peasy. Doesn’t take a lot of training to do that at all! But do that too often and you’ll end up like me, emo-ing for others and sometimes with others. It’s already draining enough to emo for yourself, let alone emo for others. Sometimes I really wonder why do I even bother about how they feel, whether the people around me are happy or not, when they probably don’t even bother whether I’m happy or not. Ok, now this part is getting a little on my nerves, really. And I need to rant. Don’t worry, I’ll be ok after ranting.

I go all the way out to make people happy, to make peace for the world, to get them to smile even when they’re down. BUT TELL ME, WHO COMES OUT OF THEIR WAY TO MAKE ME HAPPY? I really haven’t seen one, coz I HAVEN’T MET ANYONE WHO CAN REALLY TELL WHEN I’M UNHAPPY. I smile most of the time if not always, not always because I’m happy, but because I do not want my darker emotions to be obvious enough to infect others. I do not want others to be like me, emo-ing for their friends, if they even bother to. As we mature, everyone starts thinking and feeling solely for themselves, throwing their emotions all around. Haven’t they forgotten that emotions can spread? And that some stupid people like me care so much about friends that they can be affected along with it? Tell me, what are friends to you? For me, friends are my everything. I’ll give my all to them, I don’t care if they reciprocate. I just ask that you can be happy. If not, tell me and we’ll get over it together. That, simply, will make me happy.

‘Nuff ranting. K I’m done. =] I don’t deny that I still have got that ‘bloody hell’ angst in my mind but wells, its good that its out. Sudden random thought, why isn’t the other two back yet? I’m missing them terribly. (side note : doubt they’re missing me anyways.)

P.S.

Which hurts more? Saying something and wished you had not, or saying nothing and wished you had?

I tried. I tried so hard to mend things, to get things back to the way they were in the first place. But they can never get back there. The more I say anything, the worse things become. I can only say I’m sorry but I know that sorry is just an overly-simple word that can never mend the damage I have done. The pain you feel, I feel it too. I know too well how it’s like being on that side of the plank. But I also know that this is the kind where it hurts terribly now but heals quickly soon after. Its been awesomely nice all these while, but I know if its drags on, the aftermath would only be worse. To be honest, I’m not indifferent to what’s happening. I see things from both sides, and worse, I feel for both sides as well. Seriously, sometimes I really wonder if what I did was right, if what I did or attempted to do could lessen the damage. I just don’t want history to repeat itself again.

I can’t say that episode didn’t change me. I’m much too wary about these stuff now. My sense of responsibility is at an all time high, I would rather hurt myself than to hurt others. My brain churns out a billion different scenarios of the future, both far and near. I prepare myself for the best, the worst and the in between. But often I can’t put my prepared actions into play in reality. My brain’s in a mess now, bits and pieces everywhere with different people. Gosh. Chomp chomp chomp chomp.