Its alright, really.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:38 PM

Bit by bit, I got accustomed to running on my own. Add it to a list of things that I like to do alone. A pretty short list it is since I always preferred to be with people. I’m trying to adjust my life to accept an impending solitude, to make the transition less severe. I’ve already got friends telling me I shouldn’t spend my life at SC too much, that I’ll be super empty without it next year. But I’m thinking if I don’t do so now, I can’t do so later. So why not enjoy while I can? Anyways, both ways I’ll have an empty life next year so why not do the better?

Now running alone lets me clear my mind of its accumulated clutter. It gives me a bit of ‘me’ time (not that I don’t have alot of it at home). It gives me a window to talk to myself (I’m not crazy ok?), to psycho myself constantly that life’s good as it is. Allow me to reflect on the things I’ve done, the things people have done, although there’re always some unanswered questions that repeat themselves over and over again. Some things that can only be answered by you yourself and they may not be the answers that I would like to hear. And so I preferred to live in my awesome dreamland, where I’m an accomplished pianist, taekwondo black belt, drives a Ferrari, master of quantum mechanics and strings theory, can decipher Hamiltonians at the flick of my wrist and watch sunsets with you. Funny how my imagination is so wild and strong enough that I can do all this mind gymnastics while running and watching out for potential head-trauma-causing soccer balls.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Monday, March 21, 2011 1:04 AM

After tonight, I realized talking may help others dispose of their emotional baggage but not myself. Through talking I learn more about things I shouldn't have done, things I should do, things I have to do but didn't. In the end, the issues they dont go away. Instead they just start circling around in my mind more quickly. For the first time, perhaps it's because I've talked too much just now, I don't feel like talking anymore. Don't feel like replying messages on fb, don't feel like going on msn, don't feel like caring anymore. Coz this world is too complicated. But the more I say I don't care, the more I do.

I'm not a person of words, expressing what is there inside is my worst skill. I may yak alot, but mostly it's all airtalk unless you're talking to me at like some

emo macs at an unearthly hour. So many things that I ought to say but never got over the barrier that I built myself. I lost a good many things because of that, let many chances slip by me. I know I should say something all this while rather than to let you drift off just like that. I should say something before it's too late. I want to know why we are like the way we are right now, why we are missing the kind of fun we had in the past, why we don't seem to be able to talk like we did then. My fingers used to not be enough to count the number of consecutive days we see each other. Graduation, honours year, work, we are all at cross roads. After this sem, I really can't see how life will turn out. Seriously freaked out by year 4. But at least for now till the end, I wanna save whatever we still have. I dont know if you even notice, but i did. Coz you matter.

Lost at least half my friends over the past one year. Not that I don't contact them anymore, not that they don't bother about me anymore. It's more like I fought a losing battle with their new found relationships. I don't understand what they are talking anymore. It's like I've been there to follow their road to where they are now, share their happiness, shoulder their sorrow. But now, they are no longer there to share mine even if there is any. They may be with me physically, but there isnt the connection anymore. I know there are those who are still there, but each and every one mean something to me. Life sucks and I accept that too. I fight the losing battle on my own.

Things never turn out the way I would like it to be. An extremely passive person I am, I'm not that sure if I can do this anymore. If something was to happen, it would. Since there isn't anything, then maybe we shouldn't talk about it. Coz hope, is a scary word.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Saturday, March 19, 2011 10:15 PM

Just can’t help feeling the pressure from all the truckload of projects and deadlines that I have to meet. I hate projects seriously. Would rather exams and tests cover all 100% of the weightages. I’m an exams person. And funny is, as you get busier, your brain starts getting distracted by other stuff more. I think, I think and I think. But I’m so tired after all these while to put anything into action anymore. Just let life go on as it is now. Things usually don’t go the way you want them to anyways, so why bother? Or so I can say. Maybe I should really consider PhD.

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Sunday, March 13, 2011 4:36 PM

Have been wanting to blog to vent some frustration over the past few days but didn’t have the time. Friday was no-work-day for me since I just had a test in the morning then. Saturday was pretty tight for any mugging at all since I have tuition in the afternoon, floor-mopping in the morning and then dinner with parents at night. I’m so glad I still have a Sunday and Monday to whack my Transition metals.

Oh yes, the frustration. Have got too much going around in my brain these few days. Planning for the future, my modules for special sem, work, tuition, and of course there’s always the lingering something there. And amidst this huge chunk of mess, you couldn’t have found another day to offend me more. I admit the frustration has simmered down alot alot over the past two days. But I just couldn’t understand why can’t you not do the things you do? And if that thing you said there was any form of an apology, it isn’t going to be an apology accepted. Frustrated at myself for not being able to lash out at you at the very point of time, frustrated with myself for only being able to brood over it after the whole thing. I’m really not very used to being angry at all! How silly. Bleah.

ANGRY BIRDS

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Sunday, March 06, 2011 3:16 PM

Finally understood how we came to this stage. Not exactly a good thing, but I guess I do have to accept it since it is true. But still, I hope we can make the good times last.

Clear about one, fuzzy about another. Not exactly sure what to do about the other thing right now. Directionless, taking each moment as it comes. Lazy to think of what will happen, or the probabilities of it.

We’re all indeed at the super huge crossroads in our lives. It definitely is (Both me and HY agrees) that its probably the most stressful period in our whole entire existence. Choices, too many to choose from and too many pros and cons for each option to consider. Graduation, honours, job, FYP (find your partner), studies, pay, family. Gosh, there’s so much to think of right now. Can I just study for the rest of my life? Getting degrees after degrees, all in different fields of work. Ah, that’s my ideal. That, I believe, is called UNDERSTANDING THE UNIVERSE (instead of some astrophysics module). It’s funny that I like studying. Gives me the sense of satisfaction. My grades ain’t very good. But I take joy in getting the maximum grades that I can with all that slacking. LOL. How retarded is that!

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road

Saturday, March 05, 2011 12:02 AM

What are words – Chris Medina

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight

And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close
Awesome, touching song. You don’t need bombastic words to provoke the one of the most instinctive feelings in the human dictionary of emotions. Chris Medina, an example of how far love can go, how the most impossible kind of guy can even exist. There’re other examples. But how often can you find one like that in your life?

Which makes me think of the countless times someone breaks a promise to me. Things like ‘we’ll go there one day’, ‘we’ll do that one day, I promise you’ never comes true. I have no idea how these people can just make others happy for the moment when they know they can never achieve what they promised. Why does it seem to you that whatever you said is just a passing remark, whether in a formal setting or casual one? Are those only for the good times, then they don’t mean anything after that? Like what it was mentioned in the Bible, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Guess you have never been broken from a broken promise before.

Things change. But everything happens for a reason. So someone tell me why the change!

♥ Walking on,
my own dusty road