I’ve been wondering, whether accepting one’s life and fate, if you call it, as it is right now does any good to oneself. There’re so many different examples of people in different states of mind around me, including myself. I’ve seen people who seem totally happy about the way they are now, although from an outsider’s point of view there’re so many things about them that can be improved on. I’ve seen people who are seriously depressed about their lives when come to think of it, they lead pretty prefect and all rounded lives. Sadly, we often call them the whiners. And me, I guess I’m in pretty much in the middle of the two extremes but inclined towards the whinery. So here I am, telling people how they should be when I’m not it. How hypocritical.

But my stand is, we should never be too contented with ourselves, to think too highly of ourselves and our lives. Because in that case, we will never be able to improve on anything. We were talking about our friend’s plight yesterday over briyani. She was saying that we should always find a guy that doesn’t just accept who you are, instead he should adore who you are. I agree since obviously it’s the ideal, but as usual, my pessimism kicks in. You can never find someone like that in real life. Seriously. If I were to wait for that to happen, I guess I’ll just find it in my next life. And to think that way, you’ll tend to stay the way you are, never moving forward, never climbing higher. Coz you will just be waiting for some miracle to happen to the ever-stagnant you. Perhaps that was the fantasy that most girls had during their secondary school days, under the spell of Taiwanese dramas and romance fiction. Practicality is the way to go. And only to accept this hard societal truth can one reach greater heights. I guess everything works with a balance. To want to become a better person for the one you love balances the level of reciprocation you get. (Oh no, this is getting more and more cheem, but you know what I mean la.)Should never give too much for too little, or too little and expect too much.

There’s so much I wanna tell you do and not to do. But when I look upon myself, do I have that right to say anything in the first place? When I’m still so imperfect in so many countless of ways? How do you persuade a friend about some things that you know can get into the head only by force, shouting or some other extreme ways?

Crap, the more I write, the more jumbled the stuff in my head is. >.<

Long bus rides with yanzi and jielun’s songs don’t do very good for the brain. High risk of hypophrenia. There’s some undescribable sense of loss, like there’s something drifting away from me. Like I’m becoming more and more detached from this world. Feels like I need to grab on to something, to find a foothold but there’s none. Is this part of growing up, stepping into the world outside? Where everyone eventually turns into self-centred creatures?

Guess I’m just too tired. From ploughing through those level 4 modules, from trying to maintain a decent social life amidst studies, to block out crazy thoughts about how my life suck and of course, housework. Saturdays are the total knock-out days with breakfast-buying as the start of the awesome morning, followed by the exciting floor-mopping and then tuitioning (where I can talk non-stop about both work and crap) and then finally back to mugging. Even the thought of mugging my Interfaces tires me. Stamina, where art thou!

And I hate it when I'm not there.

I don’t really understand alot of things that are happening right now. Perhaps its because I never really tried reading into them, since I know I’ll end up with overthinking again. I learnt that taking things at face value makes life much easier. But then again, I’ll never know what’s the potential in them and what things actually mean. Maybe life’s been too nice and happy for me, besides the omnipresent stress from the guilt of not studying much. People say things and tell me things that seem so obvious to them but I’m just not going to bother. Afterall, doesn’t the saying goes, ignorance is bliss? I’ve always wanted to ask so many people why are they the way they are to me, but that’s too much trouble, not to mention the probable consequences of likely misunderstandings.

I suddenly thought of something that has been circling in my mind for like don’t know how many years. I hope, I wish, I want someone (guy or girl, friend or more than that, it doesn’t matter) that I can share my life with. Ah, that’s my ultimate goal (not in life, but in something else that I can’t put in words). What I mean by sharing my life is to share the things that I see, the stuff that I do, the events that I get excited about, to be there with me when I experience something new and to never truly think that what I get excited about is dumb, stupid, useless, redundant, etc. HAHA. I think there’s alot of people who fail the last point. You can at least fake it you know. LOL. I can’t find anyone who is able to do that yet. As in, EVERYTHING. I do find different people to share different stuff with. But not one person to whom that I know I can message about awesome new things that I found, tell about my adventures through the day, blah blah blah. Oh man, I do sound like I should do radio. Then I can share things with everyone in the country over national radio and everyone will listen. HAHAHA!!!

I’ve also been thinking about the RunNUS thing the whole day yesterday. As much as I really wanna help coz I can’t put the worry out of my head, I realised it may do some pretty bad damage on my mods this sem. To be honest, the level 4 mod have sent me reeling since the start of the semester and making me think twice, thrice about taking hons next year. It’s BLOODY HELL. So I guess, I’ll have to let it go this sem, trust JS and KS to do the job and probably just keep myself updated and give some inputs here and there through the sem. I’m already rather much on standby mode in case of fire, and they need a firefighter to put out the flames. The success of RunNUS 2010 must go on this year. And I really really hope that Joleyn will do a good job. Though said, I can’t help but worry worry worry.... >.<

It doesn’t feel right. Life just cannot be so peaceful and happy. It cannot be that I’ve gotten over everything and there’s nothing to emo about. Have I really accepted my life as it is right now?

A song for someone.

Gren8

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give

Should have known you was trouble from the first meeting,

Your mouth was open

Why was it open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me some respect is all I ever asked,

Cause what you don't understand is
I’ll throw a grenade at ya
Throw the blade on your hand for ya
Push ya in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything to ya
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Put a bullet straight through your brain,
Yes, you would die for me baby;
But I won’t do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat you till your’re numb
Tell the devil I said “yo” when you go back to where you're from
Mad guy, bad guy,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked

Cause what you don't understand is
I’ll throw a grenade at ya
Throw the blade on your hand for ya

Push ya in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything to ya
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Put a bullet straight through your brain,
Yes, you would die for me baby;
But I won’t do the same

If your body was on fire, ooh
I’ d watch you burn down in flames
I said I loved you I'm not a liar
Cause I’ve ever, ever, ever did baby...

But hello I’ll still throw a grenade at ya
Throw the blade on your hand for ya
Push ya in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything to ya
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Put a bullet straight through your brain,
Yes, you would die for me baby;
But I won’t do the same

I believe that everything happens for a reason

People change so that you can learn to let go

Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right

You believe lies so that you can eventually learn to trust no one but yourself

And sometimes,

Good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.

Valentines’ Day started the week. I’m quite surprised that I got so much stuff from you guys! Ever since I left my life in uniform, I was always the giver, seldom the receiver. It’s fun to give, seeing the stun look on their faces followed by happiness. Its always so much easier to spend on others than on yourself. Vday isn’t a day only for those attached or married. It’s also a day when singles share their friendlove and get together to rejoice that we still have each other to have fun together while half of the world spend their time with only ONE other person. HAHA. Ok, now you’ll probably say ‘can’t eat the grapes, say the grapes sour’. Nah, I genuinely believe it to be this way. The only sad thing is that this won’t last too long since everyone’s on the hunt for their other half and probably the shelf isn’t going to hold much single people soon.

Ugh, don’t feel like typing anymore. My inner mugger keeps bugging me. Shall go bathe and start on my reporty soon. Continue here tomorrow ba. Shall end off with something I found on weheartit which totally is in me.

CNY’s holiday is ending like super super soon, in three hours time. I haven’t done much besides sleeping alot, running alot and eating alot. Oh no, makes me sound like some hamster. And I guess I’ve been running too much for my own good. Knee’s hurting since don’t know when. Dad says its some patellar tendonitis thingy, gonna ask HY when I see her someday.

Haven’t done much work either. Just finished revising quantum chem and got extremely frustrated with the lecturer’s incorrigible horrigible vegetable webcast! His ingrish is like French, Chinese, Italian, Tamil, Punjabi, German and Korean jumbled up together! SW says if he mixed hokkien in too, it’ll be funnier. I guess if that’s the case, I would have smashed my laptop already. Hokkien is for Star Wars, not for Quantum Mechanics. =]

Haven’t started on Inorg, which I planned to do so yesterday. Too lag on schedule already. I guess I need to mug SERIOUSLY. And as a start (a very important and crucial one), I’ve decided to delete Ebuddy from my Iphone. Good move, but I do wonder how long I’ll last before I download it back on again. It’s sucking my life and my brains out from me. I really waste at least ¾ of my life and brain capacity on talking. Hmmm...

Gotten over the emoing part. Now just glad that I have what I have. Probably exercising madly helps. Endorphins chase away all the dark clouds. HAHA. Or maybe I self-generate Prozac.

Talking about Prozac, I was at YP’s house yesterday watching a movie on that and Viagra – Love and Other Drugs. Awkward choice of movie to watch with YP, SH and TZH! And actually I was freezing to death (I didn’t wanna say coz I paiseh) with the aircon trying its best to blow my mind away! And there were so many many many bed scenes I really wanted to dig a hole in the bed and put my head in! The show’s ending was touching tho, made me wanna fall in love! >.<>

Before the movies, we just sat around in YP’s room talking and updating about our lives. TZH was exploring his room and we all concluded that his wardrobe for polos and shirts consist of only three colours – blue, white and black! Guys, please be more colourful ok? Brighten our lives!!! We also concluded that I’ve simply got no life outside SC right now (XY, Xing, Sel and my JC darlings, come back into my life!) Sounds like a bad thing, but actually come to think of it, SC is HUGE! Why would it be a bad thing? Reminded me of how WJ was asking me to join another organization coz he can’t find any suitable guys for me in SC. Hilarious!

TZH’s doing his PhD in NUS right now and he has a lab! Seriously shit him for not telling us until YP had to tell me instead! I’m so going to wreck his lab when I see it! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ogays, gort tu gol marg le! En lee-sen tu der lag-turer tok in hor-li-ber ingrish! O noe, aye’m gey-ting flew-ant tie-ping lyke dis! (Can’t imagine if I typed like this for the entire entry. I could you know, after practising typing and reading this with fellow spastic people)

P.S.

Saw this on weheartit. I’m a loser! LOL. I just don’t know how to get out of loser-mode!

Destiny is for losers.

It’s just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen.

~Blair Waldorf