Talking to my best friend of 9 years, we came to a conclusion that we should just marry each other. HAHA. She’s looking for someone who can fix light bulbs, cook well, love to do housework, kill roaches and can win her in an arm wrestle (The last one’s sound a lil funny, but well if you know her, you’ll understand). For me? Very simple. Actually overly simplistic. Someone who can be my pillow for long bus rides, on the same wavelength, willing to taste my cooking, can run with me, gives me my own space when I need it, and loves me for who I am. So besides the roaches part for me and the running part for her, we fit the bill. (I never won her in a arm wrestle but I never lost too. LOL) Now we know why there’re song lyrics going ‘lucky I’m in love with my best friend’. But at the end of the day, she’s a girl too and we’re definitely never going to be les. Over my dead body.

Four of us have walked through all sorts of r/s stuff, even rejection ok. (I still applaud our courage till this day). Different scenarios, different people. But it seems like its getting worse. It wasn’t so complicated when we were still young, since there was a major ‘shy’ factor present. Now that everyone’s more accepting of their own feelings, it boils all down to control. Coming to think of it, out of us four, I’m the most passive when it comes to dealing with the people we liked. But people change when situations change with a great big example 50,000km away, which makes me wonder if there will be one day my heart takes over my brain. I hope not. I’ve prided myself as a rational, sometimes overly logical being. And I will stay that way. Like what she told me, only this way do you learn to love yourself.

We can only hope someone 50,000 km away will listen to us. Cause it’s for your own good and we love you.

P.S.

I’ve realised my mood and emotions has been on Battlestar Galactica these days. So many things have been happening. Mostly around me though, but I have always been extremely affected by them. If Singapore is said to have an open economy, then I’ve got a wide open deep limbic system and prefrontal cortex. Cause everything that is told to me, gives me something to think about every day. Even stuff from my dear friend in the States.

Had an awesome night yesterday, steamboating, laughing in Jon’s car, welfare shopping. Peaks and dips along the way. Weird moments. I don’t get it either. And a cab ride home.

And then today I had to face the reality of the endless binding chains around my life, fight for my own space and freedom. Why? I don’t have the freedom of buying what I like with my OWN money without getting negative comments. I can’t go shopping and buying my OWN clothes just cause you think I’ll get allergies. Hello? I’m not like some three year old kid. I can’t go with people to SE asia countries just cause you think I’ll kill myself doing it. And even the simplest things like putting out the damn heavy wet curtains. So let me ask you, WHAT THE HELL AM I FOR? To study? To get degrees? Oh and talking about that, I can’t take my PhD cause you think i’ll go blind if I continue studying. But what’s the difference between that and working? Sometimes I wonder if I’ve given in too much to you all these years that you’ve become so accustomed to it, anything out should be condemned. I don’t deny the fact that I do stupid things and have ridiculous habits that ought to be slapped, but in general, I can’t see any daughter who can be more tolerant. The thing I’m definitely best at is high tolerance.

And then, words from the States. More shocking news. More stuff to rock my already ‘rocking’ world. Try not to get hurt, my friend. We all understand how hard it is to not do stupid things for the people we love. We’ve all walked this path before, perhaps many times even. We’ve all tried our best to avoid falling into the longkang below. And I pray you will too. Argh, what the hell am I saying. Oh wells, too many things running through my head now. Cant breathe cant breathe.

Argh. I don’t know what was I thinking, I don’t know what was I doing. I know I ought to flip, to maybe walk away or just give a black face. But damn it, I don’t know how to. No one taught me that before. Argh. I’m losing patience and I don’t know why. But why do I still believe in the non-existent fact that there’s someone in there that is nice and warm. Damn it.

Was thinking about it on my way home from dinner. My parents went off to pak-toh again. As usual. Now I know why we all need to find life partners. Need someone to be there when your parents run off to have their own time again. Oh wells, the life of a single child.

Anyways, back to what I was thinking about. Was HTHT-ing about something like this in the afternoon. I thought of an analogy to what applied to me.

Holding on to something or someone that wasn’t meant for you and hurting yourself in the process is like having a heart made of glass and suffering cracks and shears on it. It is not broken and it is not in pieces. Yet, it hurts constantly and affects everything in your life, not to mention irreversible too. I’ve had enough of that. Ok, actually I’ve experienced countless repetitions of that over the years. And each time I made the same choice when I could take it no longer. A closure, but a hard and painful one nonetheless. I chose to take a hammer, and smash the fragile glass heart into thousands of pieces. Painful, but once and for all. Only by doing so, can glass be recycled, melted and molded into a new perfect and flawless one again. But I know each time it shatters, one of the thousands of tiny pieces will never be found again. It will be kept in my memory, however, since I know that I will always be searching for them. Only then, will life be able to move on. For me.

And each time, I salute myself for doing it. But I wonder if there will be a day in near future that I can safely hand it over to someone, in all of its perfection. After all, it’s been through rather many processes of melting and molding and losing bits and pieces, it’s losing stuff (Hard to find the word leh). =]

Ask me what I love doing best? Nope, not camwhoring, not crapping, not eating, not sleeping, not playing the piano, not Facebooking. It’s.... collecting smiles. Happy ones, genuine ones, right from the heart ones. And the best of all? Those from people who don’t smile often, who don’t smile much.

Same goes for laughter. They always say laughter is the best medicine. But they never specified if it was medicine for the one who laughed, or the one who made the other laugh. For me, it’s of course the latter.

There’re certain people whose smiles and laughter are more precious and fulfilling than the others. Not because they are extra special to me, which is not always the case. I can’t find any words to describe.

Today I collected another special smile, a smile that I’ve always liked to see when I give people stuff. And if I’ve not read wrongly, one that is genuine. =D Happy Birthday JY.

I collected a special smile from someone else on Thurs too. A smile from KY. I don’t know why I think its special. But I always thought he has that from-the-heart kind of smile which happens to be I-smile-and-it’s-from-the-heart-if-not-i-won’t-smile-at-all. LOL.

But there’re always some whom I feel that no matter how hard I try, you will never give me that special smile for anything I do for you. And that sucks. ‘Cause I always try my best to. =(

P.S.

Can someone get me a Danbo? I fell in love. With it la.

http://thedesigninspiration.com/articles/teenage-photographer-365-days-of-danboard

I’m sorry that I can’t go. It’s not like I don’t want to. Maybe instead of being pissed that your own cell member is not supportive of the ideas that you have, try putting yourself in my shoes. Not that I blame you for being pissed, i know it’s only natural. But imagine everyone happily choosing their place of interest while you stand aside and watch, knowing that there’ll be one weekend in your holidays that everyone will be gone and having fun while you’re stuck in Singapore perhaps mopping floors or scrubbing toilets.

The worst part isn’t about them going off and leaving you all lonely (I do have other friends), but its the part about them being able to share a totally new, wonderful and awesome memory together while you can never ever dive into that memory to even enjoy a moment. Life moves forward, no one can be superimposed into a memory no matter how technology advances.

I do support your proposal and I totally think it’s an awesome idea. And I don’t need anything to change about that. I’ll do my best to help you guys fulfil that trip. I just hope that you guys will not be angry or pissed about me not being able to join in. The angry, disappointed and pissed part, I guess I’ve already have enough from myself to last me till the end of the holidays.

Je suis désolé.

P.S.

Hmmm.. How was it reading my blog in French for the past two entries? =P Shan't make your life difficult anymore. LOL.

Je mens à moi-même. Je suis allongé dans le monde entier. Je sais que je me cache quelque chose. Il suppression.

Mais si, ce faisant, je vais être en mesure d'éviter de blesser moi-même et personne d'autre, je vais le faire.

Que le sentiment disparaître.

Live pour le moment, pas de «ce qui-si».

Epilogue 2010 – Sports Club Appreciation Night

Simple. Fun. Memorable. Awesome.

No need for fancy dresses, suits, hotel suites, ten course dinner. All you need are the awesome people around you, food, some Hard Gay moves and not forgetting the highlight of the night, mad person yelling into the mike (we all know who it is, and we shall take it that you are too stressed over exams).

Received my award for Outstanding Performance Full Colours for RunNUS 2010 and I think Sports Bazaar. Took Half Colours last year. What’s next? Rainbow Colours? Don’t laugh but they really exist! I burst out laughing when I saw the award.

Officially became the unofficial photographer of Sports Club. Since my skills are still CUI, I’m considered an unofficial rank. Kynneth’s probably at Official already.

Have realised over the past one week how SC have taken over my life. Not for the worse, but so much for the better! Haven’t been emo-ing for so long that I’ve forgotten how that feels like. Thanks to the company that I have when taking long bus rides nowadays. Seems like there’s always someone going home with me at least 3 days out of the 5 day week! =D Even if you guys are not physically beside me, you’re online with me! (One of the awesome things about Iphone MSN!) LOL.

You guys are my sunshine, source of my energy to move on. (Sounds like I photosynthesize!) Never been happier in my university days. Shall not think of how it would be when this ends. Coz NOW is what is worth living for!

It’s the people we live for. If there’s anything that I can share with you, I wanna share my memories with you. ♥