Its exactly 42 days to the official end of year two. And I just wanna say, Elroy, you’ve lost your bet with me. If you even bothered to remember what it was. You owe me a meal, but I won’t hunt you down for it.

I’m so over the days in wonderland, thinking that everything is like a dream world where you’ll get everything that is shown in those super non-practical Taiwanese drama. That was so secondary school. Been through so many personal internal conflicts, struggling with myself over things that will never be. It has been a one-person fight all along.

I’ve learnt so much over the years, to handle situations, to juggle my own feelings especially towards the little nagging thing called relationship. What Selian said that day made a whole lot of sense. We only feel negative about the single status because of the surrounding, when everyone else is getting attached. In fact, we are a new age of people who can live perfectly fine being single. We do not even need a partner of the opposite gender to reproduce (which is the fundamental reason of love and relationships) thanks or no thanks to science.

So I’ll walk on and see. Whether there’s someone who will pull me out of this suffocating practicality.

Its been so long since I’m so high like I am now. I think the last time was in JC. That was when everyday was like this.

Haven’t laughed so much like I did yesterday. I guess in every ocomm, no matter what project it is, there’ll always be people like that to surround you and bring life back into work. Stayed for mah-jong and dinner with Boon Hui, Jansen, Hanyu, Jiansheng, Hui Jun, Wen Jie aka Handsome, and Steve with his landfill (I just can’t stop laughing over that) after recce and meeting.

Got tanned from the scorching noon sun. UNEVEN tan. How am I going to wear my sleeveless romper tomorrow? zzZ. The recce was smooth and everyone learnt alot from it (I hope?). Gave me reassurance that our route team is ZAI. Happy point number one.

Told the ocomm during meeting that Tash stepped down and it’ll be up to me and JS to take over as project directors from then on. Unexpectedly, no one had any outburst/shock/adverse reaction from the news. Phew. But life’s gonna get tough from now on.

Then the laughter. We can’t stop laughing. Especially me and Hanyu. Seriously, she’s the first doctor-in-training that I’ve ever clicked so well thru laughing! LOL. Happy point number two. Hope she doesn’t keep laughing like that if I’ve ever become her patient one day. I’ll die of laughter then.

So what did we laugh at? EVERYTHING. Boon Hui says if we put me+hanyu+jieyi together, the world will collapse. Didn’t know his world was so fragile. HAHA. I almost got exiled to another table during dinner. I do not plead guilty.

HTHT-ed on the train home. Funny that it didn’t feel awkward at all! =D

And then the best part, I came home to my new EOS 550D DSLR!!!! Hearts hearts hearts kiss kiss kiss. =P My new boyfriend. (ok, my friend calls his his wife, but ‘husband’ sounds funny to me). Now, wants to be my model? HAHA. Great timing that it came now since I’ll be able to take stunning shots of Japan’s stunning beauty. Happy points number infinity.

But something kept bugging me.

Once you've liked someone so up there, its hard to fall in love with anyone else that isn't even long after you've gotten over him.

I didn’t know betrayal felt like this. There wasn’t much to feel. Perhaps I’m already numb, already too tired to move or think anymore. But somewhere deep inside, there’s a flame burning with anger and sadness and helplessness. Just a small one.

Tell me what should I do now? You created the problem, you left us to solve it. You tell us sorry, but does it help? This is unprofessionalism. We signed up together, I questioned myself if i could do this all over again. But you told me you needed me and I told myself, why not. Now you tell me you can’t do this anymore, what makes you think I can? If I knew I could, I wouldn’t let you even have that post in the first place. I knew I couldn’t, I only wanted to make a bigger difference than what I have last year.

You tell us that the problem lies with you not us. You don’t have to tell me, I know it is. But why does it have to be us that handle the aftermath? Why have we become the toilet cleaners?

I’ve thought it through and through. I will not step up. I can’t. If I hadn’t had so many other problems and stuff to deal with, I would. If I knew that I have the ability, I would. But in any case, I don’t. I’m already wondering why am I doing this the second time around. I’m already thinking if I should stop. But I tell myself that I want to see it through. I gave my word. It isn’t a choice that i give myself to quit. And it shouldn’t be a choice for you as well. Now you’re just forcing someone else to take up your job. I don’t know what to do with this now.

To all those who can read this (since my blog’s private) and know what and who I’m talking about, please don’t go around asking or telling others about this. I don’t want to blow this up, but I just need to let steam off.

In 20 years, you'll be more disappointed by what you didn't do than by what you did.

~Mark Twain